The End of Last Season, to the Best of My Knowledge

Rod did not win last season. Instead, Rod fell into an abyss of depression.

He blames the loss. To be honest (which Rod isn't a fan of), it merely started there. But then it spiraled downward, endlessly.

Other elements came into play. Like his inability to hold down a stable relationship. With a woman.

Or his children.

Also, he reflected on his choice of attire for the past 40 years and cringed. That's when the drinking started.

The drinking lasted until this evening. That's when he realized what a son of a bitch he is for not updating the blog. Maybe his son was right about him. Maybe he is nothing more than an egomaniac who loves to dangle carrots over the heads of his fans, i.e. the readers of this here blog. For this he apologizes.

Also, he would like to inform you that the apology is insincere. What do you want from him? He's a rock star. We do what we want.

For example:


On this note, Rod would like to share with you the comments from an email chain with his teammates regarding last season. Apparently, he was not the only one that drank himself into a coma.

"I know we lost to Old Dirty Barristers, not sure who we beat that day though."

"The week prior to that, we beat Cobra Kai, right?"

"Yeah, I don't remember who we played either. Did we play Cobra Kai? I don't even remember that."

So there you have it. In the first round of the playoffs, we're sort of sure that we beat Cobra Kai.

After that stunning victory, unparalleled in skill and class by any team ever to play the sweet game of bocce, we advanced to the following week, a winner take all scenario that would last hours and carry into the wee hours of late afternoon.

The first game, it was Rod versus Kiss My Pallino. But don't worry, we also took them down in a battle to end all battles. It was as if the Greek Gods were clashing, like "titans" if you will. Luckily, Rod played the role of Harry Hamlin and tricked the wily crew who, admittedly, were clearly more interested in the Preakness races anyway. Whatever, we advanced to the Final Four.

The Rod crew chose to indulge in a post-victory meal at Five Guys, strutting through Brooklyn Heights with bad attitudes and a swagger rivaling P. Diddy's. It wouldn't last long. Old Dirty Barristers, as you noticed from the emailed quotes above, decimated us in the Final Four.

The Final match was between ODB and Boccelism. Boccelism won. Again. Woo-hoo...

In Honor of Double Trouble: A Double Update!

And so let it be written: Rod is on fire.

While he must apologize for lack of updates, it was for good reason.

You see, he spent the better part of last week and a half on an incredible bender, doing 8-balls, visiting strip clubs and participating in generally despicable behavior, all in the name of celebration.


Please allow Rod to explain:

First, there was the game against the Balls of Justice. I assume they were made up of lawyers with a pretty good sense of humor. But a good sense of humor does not a bocce game win, as was clearly demonstrated as Rod brought the gavel down in style.

Here are some examples of Rod's prowess on the court:

Dr. Booze declared that the victory was thanks to her burgeoning relationship with WB (or as the uninitiated refer to her, "Water Bottle").

To find out more, you can spy on this beautiful duo by going here: http://ilovemynewwaterbottle.blogspot.com/

However, this clearly wasn't a WB-related victory, because the next week, we took down Cobra Kai.

Note the fancy cursive!

This game had been in the back of our minds all season, especially because the match (originally slated to go down over a month ago) was postponed. Many of us worried that these two teams would never meet, but alas, the scheduling Gods made this happen and things got weird.

First, Rod goes down 4-0.

But apparently, Rod enjoys being an underdog because that shit did not last!

Bam!

Moments later, comeback city. Ball after ball flowed freely from Rod's spindly fingers, racking up points like hit singles of other people's records.

Before we knew it, the game was over, and as our heads stopped spinning, we all came to the startling realization that a) Dr. Booze is a liar and b) Mitch was on fire. Playing a match that would make any old Italian man blush, Mitch brought the thunder and made it rain pain. Witness a graceful toss from the golden arm:

Close But Not Close Enough

The final weekend saw Rod easily win Match 1. But then we had a long long wait for Match 2 and we just didn't bring our A game, our B game, or even our C game.

I still can't believe we lost to a team named Bocce Brunch. Ugh.

Anyhoo, we finished with a 7-3 season record and made it to the Final 4 for the third time.

By the way, Jim was the Hot Rod in Match 1.

Enjoy the movie. Cobra Kai will since there is footage of their championship winning roll at the end of it. Congratulations Kai. You are the champions and you still have the best bocce blog out there.

If You Want My Bocce Stalls in the Final 8 for the Second Straight Season

The day was bad. Real bad. We got spanked by the Po-Town Po-llinos. Nothing against them considering they were the number two seed but we really showed nothing. We beat them handily back in the glory days of our undefeated early part of the season.

After beating them, we ran our record to 3-0. After that, we lost 4 of our final 6 matches to finish with a mediocre 5-4 record, easily our worst mark since our first season of Spring '06.

In game 1, we got swamped 7-1. In Game 2, after falling behind 5-1, we came back to tie it at 5 before succumbing to an ignoble 7-5 defeat. I have nothing against our fine opponents but I definitely got the sense from some of them that they completely thought that we had no chance against them. Unfortunately, we didn't show them otherwise. So it goes ...

But at least a former Rodster showed up with his baby son Henry. In fact, it was a double Henry day as Dave also brought baby Rod veteran, Henry, who witnessed his fourth or so If You Want My Bocce match.
Ugly scoreboard to the right, cute baby to the left.

Mitch and I took off immediately after the ugliness to go see a movie. We came back in time to watch the number one seed and vaunted rivals Coffee Flats Terrors blow a 5-0 3rd game lead to Watch Your Balls. The Terrors might have been the last best chance to take out Boccelism.

The scene during the Watch Your Balls vs. Boccelism match. Unfortunately the "Stop Boccelism" shirts didn't do much. Thanks again to Cobra Kai for the shirt.

Boccelism destroyed Po-Town in the finals. Oh well, at least it wasn't Boccelism vs. ODB yet once again. Watch the movie of the last shot of the season - a movie that I like to call Fuck Boccelism.

Ezra Terror (not to be confused with Ezra Lism) excitedly points out that the Coffee Flats Terrors trophy is still bigger than any of the FOUR Boccelism trophies. Oh Ezra.
And what can only be described as the perfect description of the disorganized and half assed way that the whole league is run (is it too much to ask for the 20 bucks we were forced to spend to actually have chalk provided so we don't have to go out and buy some? Or how about new balls that aren't chipped?), Cobra Kai won the award for Best Blog of the Spring '07 season. Nevermind that their last post is from November 2006. Did Floyd even bother to check the blog? I suppose it makes perfect sense since Floyd doesn't exactly update its website all that much. I swear it will read "Coming Soon" in the photos section on their site forever. Kaci had the best heckle of the proceedings when she cried out, "Ross doesn't even remember the password to his blog!"

To be honest I think it is pretty funny that Cobra Kai won this award. It really cracks me up. Still, I wouldn't have minded having the award proudly displayed next to my Coffee Flats Terrors championship trophy. For the record, this blog has documented every SINGLE match we have played over the course of four seasons.

Ross shows off the goods.
Summer season is just around the corner. Stay tuned to this space over the next week, I have two more posts in me as I try to catch up on old business.

Well, Sometimes Team Rod is Stoppable

And last Saturday was one of those times. Team Rod was short four vital players (three were attending the nuptials of a friend and we lost one to the law that day), but the four remaining players felt cool, confident and ready to take on the Kai. One of my teammates told me my hair looked nice, so I was feeling good!

So we took to the court and really gave the Kai a run for their money. We all rolled pretty well and to be honest, I thought we were going take the first set (Is that what it's even called? When playing bocce, I like to use tennis terminology - game, set, match. Is this wrong?). But alas, we didn't and took a 7 to 5 loss. Sadly, after we lost Big Mo we just never regained our composure. Yeah, Cobra Kai spanked us - 7 to 1. Ouch. I have to say, I'm disappointed. I really think we could have beaten them, but victory just wasn't in the cards for Rod that day.

Afterward, while smoking a cigarette, I was shat on by a flying rat, which is supposed to be good luck. Well, where were you BEFORE the match, stupid pigeon?!

Lethal Dose of Reality

We just aren't that good right now. After losing two games of a doubleheader, If You Want My Bocce limp into the playoffs with a 4-6 record.

In the 1st match, we made a spirited comeback against Cobra Kai and took the second game. Alas we succumbed in Game 3. In the 2nd match, we were simply overmatched from beginning to end by Joanie Loves Bocce.

As the worst player of the day, I failed my team. As captain, I have failed my team. Shit, the only thing I won't take the blame for is the shitty weather.

From the beginning of the season, I said that I wanted to get my team of rookies ready for the playoffs. Have I done that? If we had gone into the playoffs at 5-5, I'd be feeling good. Instead at 4-6, we have many question marks.

We can play well but haven't. On a day that we looked really bad, we still were somewhat competitive. Stalwarts The Balltrap and Reason To Believe had a strong reunion today. That is something to build on. Dixie Toot looked fantastic in practice last night before getting sick today. Gettin' Hungry proved that he was solid in the clutch. Lethal Dose of Love had some great shots when they were most needed. Gladrags rolled some fantastic shots, one of which saved the game for us at one point. Damn, everybody had some positive moments today except for yours truly.

I promise that the sun will indeed come out again, if not tomorrow, soon. We have two weeks to rest up and get ready for the playoffs. We need to relax. We have gotten so much into the competive aspect of this that I feel like it is messing with our heads, at least mine. It is time to take a page from Team ODIN. No, I don't mean that we should completely change our wardrobes.


But I do think we need to get looser, have a good time, and if we win, great. If we lose, at least we had fun.

Signing out for now,
Hot Legs

Are We Going To Stand For This?

Cobra Kai talks some shit.

Pix From Doubleheader Up

If You Want My Bocce vs. Jonie Loves Bocce
Originally uploaded by Slice.

Yo. Word to all Rollas and Rolla-hatas out there. This is "Slice" aka "Gettin' Hungry." Pix from Saturday's doubleheader are up on Flickr. Go here: Bocce Doubleheader.

Ol' Cappy also asked if I would add a Flickr badge to the blog that displayed the latest IYWMB pix. It's there now.

Match report: March 4th Double header.

Game one: Cobra Kai.

I awoke from headcold induced slumber at 2pm. Beth offered me a seductive choice, I could either lie a bed all day sweating and probably get a foul night's sleep or I could muster some temporary strength and go play Bocce.
By 2.30 I was at Floyd's being berated for lack of T shirt and my general sniffly demeanor. What can you do? Cap'n Dan was all boisterous and pumped us up with heart shaped candy! Fumbling about in the dark I saw Mitch, Jim, Adam, Mike and Mr Nelson.
All wearing their marvellous green T shirts, pumped up on candy.
I was whacked out on an instant Dayquil hit and initally offered Dan that I would sit out.
All I really recall was that we could have beaten this lot. They had a really good girl and a guy with Rock hair who would tug at his pant leg just prior to bowling. Mr Nelson spotted that. A couple of Coffee Flats boys turned up to watch us, a nice touch.
Modesty should prevent me from mentioning my 'Champagne Moment'. It was a great shot and I grinned alot afterwards. It was dark and I was seriously drugged up, I can't recall anything else.

We lost 2-0 after a couple of fairly close games. The left over time allowed us to throw a few more practise balls as the Joanie loves Bocce crew began to drift into the darkened bar.

Game two: Joanie Loves Bocce

At about this point I had a conversation with Jim. I can't quite recall the detail but it ended with me going to the bar thinking, "Ah fuck it, a beer or two isn't going to kill me". I think Jim may have been expounding the virtues of afternoon drinking on an empty stomach, a heavy cold and a system full of flu medication. But I'm not sure.

After this point it got even hazier.

There was a girl from Joanie Loves Bocce (we beat them 2-0) wearing a "Scotland's for Me" T shirt. I had had a conversation with Dan about rivalries the previous Wednesday. I had told him that if he ever wore a Scottish t shirt it would annoy me. Lo and Behold, opposition girl in a Scottish t shirt! I managed to hold back but i do recall asking for the tape measure when it wasn't really required. That's what Scotland does to me.

By the way, 3 Brooklyn Lagers, Dayquil and an absence of food, not a good recipe for health, but sort of fun.