Photo-composite of the playoffs / Happy Holidays from Rod

Well, ok, we never did get to sit on Homer Fink's face.

It All Started So Well

What happened? After taking a decisive Game 1 victory by the score of 7-0, everyone's favorite scruffy bocce squad, If You Want My Bocce, went down hard in this past weekend's playoffs. 7-0 and 7-1.

I've spent the better part of the past 48 hours dissecting where I went wrong as captain. And I've figured it out. I'll come out stronger and more ready to lead next season. I'm proud of my squad. Even when we were down 6-0 in Game 3, I thought we might be able to pull it out. Then it was 6-1 and The Sweet Meats were going to be dead meat. But it wasn't meant to be.

Instead, The Sweet Meats showed the heart of champions and the eye of the tiger and they destroyed us. How do you lose the first game 7-0 and then come back and decimate? It was a thing of beauty.


Team Rod decided to go drown its misery in Grimaldi's pizza. By the time we arrived back to Floyd, the final that no one wanted was underway. Boccelism vs. ODB. Snooze.

Once again, Boccelism won. Again. 3 in a row. The Yankees this team is. A juggernaut. The cream of the crop.

Too bad for them that they are not universally loved and had to import non-bocce folks to root for them. They were sick of the booing that they had to endure during the last championship victory over Team Rod. Oh well, I'm sure they would choose to be feared rather than loved.

2006 was the year of the Boccelism. 2007 will be all Rod.

The would have been RVP if we had won - Young Turk.

Final Record: 8-2
Good but not good enough.

Also over the past week, we found out that many of the bocce squads out there read this blog. Join the fun. Leave comments. Don't lurk in the shadows anymore waiting to see what kind of barbs we might throw your way.

And for the record, Gettin' Hungry would like to let the Sweet Meats know that steak is not a sweet meat and that you should plan your merchandise accordingly.

The spring season is just around the corner. And it will be an exciting one. Downtrain Train will once again be pulling into Rod Station which is a great thing. We missed him. We also have other Rod inspired tricks up our collective sleeves, but you all will just have to wait and see. Now that we know that our blog is so well read, some secrets must be kept.

All Hail Rod

All Rod, All the Time

As the playoffs loom, Team Rod feels relaxed and ready to take on the best that Brooklyn bocce has to offer. We are primed for victory.

If we win, should we take the limo here?

If that proves too pricey, it is a definite that we all get together sometime soon and watch this. I'd like to thank the once and future Rod, "Downtrain Train," for forwarding that tasty bit of information.

Also, I'd like to share this nice comment on the Beeyotcees blog about us. Liz says:

If You Want My Bocce could be my favorite team to play. I mean, they're competitive but friendly, they wear bright green shirts, they're mild-mannered but silly, they display Rod Stewart memorabilia, and I'm pretty sure I heard them quietly playing some Rod tunes on an mp3 player or a cell phone or something. They're so cheesy and adorable that I can't help but like them, even though I want to hate them for winning.

Yes, that was "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy" on Reason to Believe's cellphone. This is the second time that Team Rod has been called cheesy. Maybe in both cases, the word that was meant to be used was classy. Because, of course, Rod is all class.

Finally, I received a message in my inbox the other day from the team captain of our first opponent this Saturday, the Sweet Meats. No words, but only this.


At first, I wasn't sure what the message that Cap'n Sweet Meat was trying to convey. But the more I thought about it, the more obvious it became to me.

It is actually quite simple. Rod is a man. Spelled M-A-N. Rod is a carnivore.

The Sweet Meats will be devoured on 12-16-06 by Rod. Thanks for the image, Cap'n Sweet Meat. You have now very much whetted Rod's appetite.

Saturday looms.

Rods Bless Us. So Say We All.

The dream match of IYWMB vs. Homer Fink never materialized as a determined Mamalukes team took them out in three games. We started our match against the 'Lukes like a bunch of malfunctioning cylons. Perhaps we were having download problems. Or maybe we were experiencing true emotions and you know what happens when cylons think they are human. They go crazy!!! After a blink, we were already down 0-6, with the Rods giving up 3 points each in the first two sides. Our Team Rod Team Philosophy was passed out in a back alley somewhere.

The Balltrap and Love Touch started the comeback run by putting up a hard-fought point on our side of the chalkboard. Reason to Believe and yours truly, the Young Turk, furthered the rally with a perfect 4 point side, which was set up by a well-placed first roll by RTB. So it was 5-6, we felt we got our crazy rolls out of the way and we could feel victory. Then it all went bananas. These stupid carrollers showed up! Whose brilliant idea was that? Was it a prank? We're in the middle of a bocce tournament for crissakes, Whiffenpoofs! Take your fucking a cappella nonsense somewhere else! I heard they were asking for tips, which I hope was going to a charity, rather than a fund to buy more sheet music.

We had the last ball with the game on the line. All the other reds and greens were clustered together, with the Mamalukes' red ball a hair closer to the pallino. Love Touch wanted to know what the situation was before rolling. If any one of our green balls were closer, it would have effected the game plan. A member of the Mamalukes' cheering section didn't understand this and felt the need to harass LT about it. WTF? Are you even on a team, Missy Bocce Strategy Questioner? And if you were, wouldn't you want to know this yourself? Alas, it was a tough shot and we missed it and the game went with the Lukies.

Game Two was anchored by the solid, steady play of RTB, the eventual RVP, as well as the clutch duo of Senor Gladrags and Captain Hot Legs. It was another tense game, with the Rods pulling out a 7-4 victory. We weren't about to let the Mamalukes score the biggest upset of the tournament.

We pulled out a game three win to take the match despite some shaky rolling. Our opponents were placing their balls perfectly, working the craggy terrain to their benefit. I, on the other hand, had balls making crazy 90 degree left turns. It was back and forth, which both teams gifting points. With the game tied at 5-all, RTB and Gladrags closed it out with a two point side, thank the Rods.

On to the next round, where IYWMB play the fourth seed, The Sweet Meats (nice merch, by the way). It should be a tight match.

RVP: Reason To Believe for giving us a Reason to LIVE!
Special Honorary RVP: "Sweet Touch" Courson for being a good friend and cheerleader.

Homer Fink Better Watch Out!

Nevermind the Terrors of Coffee Flats. Nevermind the championship squad of Boccelism. Nevermind the bragging of Cobra Kai.

Rod has a bigger bone to pick.

After publicizing our little blog and setting The Balltrap off into full angst mode, it looks like we just might be playing Homer Fink and his crew in the second round of the playoffs. Provided, of course, that they can win.

Rod has promised to sit on the face of each and every member of Homer Fink's Brigate Bocce if the matchup happens.

We have a bye in the first round and are the number five seed. The number one seed - The Old Dirty Barristers have byes in the first two rounds. If Rod had been undefeated, he'd be very curious as to how they were chosen as the number one seed when there were other undefeated teams. Interesting.

We can't play CFT until the Final Four or Boccelism / Cobra Kai unless it is for the championship. Rod's only regret is that he can't beat both Boccelism and Cobra Kai on the way to full Rod glory!

Rod Has No Use For Excessive Force

He always gets his way with a little bit of sweet talk and a whole lot of oh yeah.

Down 6-2 in the first game to Excessive Force, Team Rod wasn't fazed. Hot Legs whispered to Love Touch, "Reason to Believe and Sweet Little Rock and Roller are going to score two points here and then we'll close it out with three more." And that is exactly what happened.

Final score:
7-6

Game 2 was no problem for Rod.
7-0 Team Rod

RVP: Love Touch who absolutely dominated after she went back to her banking ways.

Final Regular Season Record
7-1

Hopefully, we'll have a bye in the first round. If not, some 31st ranked team is going to be in big trouble. Big trouble.

The Power of Rod Compelled Us

Last night at Floyd, Love Touch and I (The Balltrap) had an amazing run. We were on the court together for over three hours, maybe closer to four. The scene was livelier than usual, with movie stars, reality-TV stars, cheering and jeering Australians, Coffee Flats Terrors, and cute guys that we have crushes on who finally beat us at around 1 am.

It all started in an uncrowded bar early in the evening, with Love Touch and Hot Legs beating Sweet Lil Rock 'n Roller and Reason to Believe. Then Gladrags stepped in and he and Hot Legs beat some random people. Then I joined up with Hot Legs and we beat a couple who had never played before. The woman made some uncannily good shots; the guy was relatively obnoxious--for example, at one point he yelled loudly to distract me while I was taking a shot. Boccelism superstars Brian and Ezra were coaching these two. I hear from my sources that they were telling them to go short on us because we can't play the short game. After taking care of these novices, Hot Legs and I faced Brian and Ezra and turned their own advice against them, beating them both long and short. It was a tough, hard-fought victory, but it felt good to exorcise some demons from that 7-0, 7-1 summer season final, the much closer spring season playoff match that we almost took, and many beatings on regular nights at the bar.

Then it was time for Love Touch to step back on the court, taking over for the possibly inebriated Hot Legs. Everything is starting to blur for me now, because we played so many damn times. All I know is, after LT and I won our first game together, Brian and Ezra were back on the court already, having signed up two spots down from where they first signed up. So there we were again against this formidable enemy that has caused us so much grief, wondering if twice in one night was too much to hope for. The final score was either 7-3 or 7-4. We closed it out with three simultaneous points and sent them packing for the night.

LT and I were both on fire at various times. She made some incredible shots that bailed me out when I was playing shitty, so we balanced out well.

By this point, unusual things were happening around the court. For one, I came this close to titling this post "Brokebocce Mountain": Hot Legs was not the only HL in attendance, as Heath Ledger was there with some friends. Beth and I were referring to this whole group of people who seemed to be with him, but I'm not sure if they all were, as "the Australians." I only know for sure that this one other dude we played against was an Aussie. I didn't hear anybody else talk.

Heath told me that he was there to research a role for a movie based on a true story. Giuseppe Frappatoli was a bocce champion in 1920s Italy who lost his rolling arm in an agricultural accident, then his wealthy and beautiful fiancee left him because she didn't want a one-armed husband. With a grueling course of training overseen by a grizzled old mentor named Silvio Bertucci, he learned to use his other arm, fell in love with a sweet, poor, one-eyed girl, and won a bocce gold medal in the 1928 Olympics (it was an exhibition sport).

OK, I made all that up. I didn't talk to Heath, but Love Touch was excited to be told by him that she has a "delicate touch." Her nickname fits! I was hoping we would get to play against him, but apparently it was taking too long to get to where he was on the list, so he went home. Hopefully he will be back another time as he seemed like a nice guy. While I was trying maybe too conspicuously to not look directly at him, I did catch him clapping for me and LT out of the corner of my eye, and that was exciting.

"The Australians," clustered around the court at the back of the bar, were definitely in our corner against the Lisms. And they seemed to be rooting for us to do well for maybe one or two games after that. But then our winning ways grew tiresome and they turned against us. I don't even know if it was the same bunch of people who were there when Heath Ledger was there, but by midnight people were booing us. By then, we were ready to go, but I was trying to hold out to play some Terrors, though that didn't end up happening. The most important thing was that it felt good to be playing well since the reason we were there was to practice, with our last match on Saturday and the playoffs in another week.

This morning, as I was contemplating our transformation from heroes to villains in the eyes of the crowd, I thought of a strategy for next time: if we've won two or three in a row, maybe ask the next two people on the list if it's OK for us to take a break from the court, let them play each other, and then step back on to play the winner. Some people might not go for that but it might be worth a try. Or maybe the answer is for Erik and Dani to build a bocce court in the back yard of their store. We could get heat lamps out there for the winter and have all Terrors-IYWMB action, all the time. I would totally chip in for construction and maintenance costs.

The guys who finally beat us last night were at Floyd about a month ago on another Love Touch-Balltrap "reign of Rodness" night. We beat them twice that time. They had never played before, and their instinct was to roll/throw really hard every time. Last night they showed some serious improvement and newly learned subtlety. They shellacked us 7-3. They were crediting us with teaching them how to play and being their mentors, so I likened it to when Darth Vader strikes down Obi Wan Kenobi, with the important exception that Darth Vader is evil, and they are good guys.

This Saturday, Excessive Force better be ready for a focused and finely tuned Rod squad.

A Tough Match

Match 7 of this fine Fall Season was an interesting one. Almost a little too interesting. The Beeyotcces took a 4-1 lead in the first game. Team Rod came roaring back on the stength of the strong play of Young Turk to take a 5-4 lead. Unfortunately, we couldn't close it out and two straight wallballs led to a 3 point frame and a 7-5 Game 1 defeat.

Game 2 saw the Beeyotcces take a 3-0 lead. Team Rod began to get worried. I mean, the Beeyotcces couldn't even field a whole team and had to recruit a soccer fan at the bar to play with them and we were losing? However, it turned out that the ringer they stumbled upon is known in parts of TN as a skeeball champion.

And apparently, skeeball skills translate well to the bocce court.

Oh well, no matter.

Team Rod is too damn strong. We went on a run of dominance and the Beeyotcces didn't know what hit them. 7 straight points and Game 2 was ours 7-3. Reason to Believe, Sweet Little Rock and Roller, Young Turk, and yours truly all rolled really really well.

In Game 3, I stayed with the same team from Game 2. We took a quick 5-0 lead and I thought that would be it. But the Beeyotcces have a lot of heart. They came back to tie the game at 5. What was happening?

Fortunately, we found it within us to scratch out two more points, one at a time, and we won 7-5.

It was one of the most tense matches we've played all season. We felt good to be able to notch another victory against such strong competition. The Beeyotcces rolled really well. We were pretty good. We all made a few mistakes here and there but when push came to shove, Team Rod emerged victorious again.

RVP: Sweet Little Rock and Roller
Although Young Turk and, dare I say it, Hot Legs, could have easily taken the 12 inches of Rod as well.

Moment where it all began to turn around: When Reason to Believe busted out the Rod on his cellphone.

Record: 6-1

Rod Loves Windmills

It was time to play. Hot Legs called out "Minigolf!" "Minigolf!" But there was no answer. Was it yet another team that was too afraid to feel the full fury of Rod? It did indeed seem that way.

So Team Rod started a scrimmage against New Kids on the Bocc (they must have thought that Floyd was Union Hall). This time with nothing but pride on the line, we began the scrimmage.

We didn't get too far when cries of "Hey we're Minigolf and ready to play" began ringing out through the vaunted halls of Floyd NY. It turns out that Minigolf were sitting at the bar and didn't hear my calls for them. And so it began. Better late than never.

They were good. But Rod was better. Much better. Minigolf might be a team to be reckoned with very soon but for now, Fall '06 is proving to be all Rod, all the time.

We took the first game 7-3. In the second game, we were down 4-1 before storming back and taking it 7-4. A 4 point frame from Gettin' Hungry and yours truly was the nail in Minigolf's coffin.

RVP: After shrugging off team philosophy to poor results in the first frame of the day, Handbags And Gladrags dominated the day. The Terrors may have a player who dresses as Maverick but we have our very own renegade sans jumpsuit. An RVP kind of renegade.

Record: 5-1

We have next week off. I might start posting our individual player profiles in the meantime.

Aw Shucks, We're Just Happy to Be Able to Share the Same Court With Such Brilliance

After quaking in fear at the mere thought of playing The Terrors from Coffee Flats in our first season, If You Want My Bocce has finally come of age.

Sure, we beat them in the playoffs last year but flukes can happen, right? If you listened to any of the Flatters after that defeat, the only reason they lost was because, um, I can't remember what their reason was. Maybe it was because they had to wait a long time or something after beating Cobra Kai? Oh yeah, that was it. Ok, nevermind that we had had been sitting around ourselves all day before playing. But whatever makes one feel better I suppose.

Still, the Terrors are top notch and a team to be reckoned with. As I've contended for a long time, no one thinks our team of castoffs and fresh faces is any good. Fair enough. The Terrors still didn't think much of us even after we ended their summer season.

When our match began on Saturday, we were all relaxed. Gone was any team tension. We have come together as a group. Even when we were down 5-1 in the first game, no one was too worried. And then the magic began. The turning point was a beautiful smash-up by Reason to Believe Mike that gave us three points. The Balltrap Jim and I added two more quick points (and blew the chance to put it away with our last two rolls) before Sweet Little Rock and Roller Sarah put the Terrors out of their misery with coldhearted precision.

7-5 Rod

In Game 2, Dani Terror (who by the way can't even get her name listed on the Terrors blog) blew us all away. Holy mother of God she dominated. We played okay. We didn't make any terrible mistakes or anything but Dani and the gang were just too much for us.

7-2 Terrors

The decisive Game 3 arrived quickly. I decided to put the Game 1 squad back on the court. This also allowed me to keep Mike in there and for good reason - he was rolling the best and we all did, in fact, need a reason to keep believing. All of Team Rod was happy to see that Cap'n Terror took out his hot hand by putting Dani on the bench.

The Balltrap took the last match for himself and dominated the hell out of it. While Reason to Believe and Sweet Little Rock and Roller were solid, they were outscored 0 to 3 on their end. But Jim all by his lonesome took it to the bad guys. Two amazing frames gave us 6 points.

Then it was up to me in the last frame. After an incredible Sweet Touch roll that staved off a Terrors defeat brought the score to 6-3 Rod, it was up to Jim and me. And we did the job. I saved my best roll of the day for the end. It set up Balgavy as the final chance for the Terrors much as Sweet Touch had just been a few minutes before. Unlike Sweet Touch, Turkey Terror couldn't do it and the victory was ours! Our record against our old teammates has been evened at 2.

7-3 Rod

Coffee Flats Terrors: All Class, All the Time

After the game, the Coffee Flatters still couldn't bring themselves to believe that Team Rod was actually any good. Read what they have to say. Go ahead, try to find one positive word about their opponents. Not there to be found.

When they lose, it is because they didn't roll well. It has nothing to do with their opponent. It has nothing to do with their opponent rolling well and putting the pressure on them. Even the phrase "It was up to me to make a final, almost impossible shot, to keep us in the game," doesn't make any mention why it was an impossible shot for them. Not because it was a good roll by Hot Legs, I presume, but simply that the Terrors beat themselves.

This is all fine. You don't have to respect us. We'll keep doing our thing. We have respect for you, even when we beat you. In fact, if you take a look at what was written after we lost to the Terrors for the second time, all those many months ago, it was clear that we had respect, perhaps too much respect and fear, for the Terrors.

Now the Terrors are left to question what went wrong, why they can't beat a clearly inferior team. They are left grasping at straws. In fact, one of the better comments to come out of this whole thing is now I'm being ridiculed for leaving in my hottest player of the day to play all three games on Saturday. I suppose it would have been fair if I had taken him out, you know to give the clearly superior team a fighting chance against us. Duly noted.

Record: 4-1

Park Slope Gastronome on the victory meal. Coincidentally, the last time we beat the Terrors, uh, I mean the last time the Terrors somehow made too many mistakes to hand us the victory, we also went to Grimaldi's.

Two Movies:

Movie 1:
Down 6-2 in Game 3, Sweet Touch has to pull out a miracle to snatch victory from our clutches. He does. Sorry that I didn't get the rollback on the ball but I wanted to get a good reaction shot. After the crazy cheering by the Terrors, Cap'n Terror was overheard telling his team to act like they had "been there" before.
The Endy Chavez Moment

Movie 2:
Down 6-3, Turkey Terror has one last chance. He is unsuccessful. Team Rod celebrates in a "We've been here before" kind of fashion. Thanks for the advice Cap'n Terror.
Some Teams Have All the Luck

The Balltrap took home the Rod LP as our first ever RVP - which somehow stands for Most Valuable Rod. While he didn't fully begin to shine until Game 3, he directly led to 6 of the 7 points in the decisive game. Well done, Balltrap. Who will take home the Rod this Saturday?

In a Week Where Rod Stewart Had the Number One CD in the Land, How Could We Lose?

I haven't met all of the new teams (granted two of them were too lame to even show up to face us) but how can anyone be nicer than the Cleveland Steamers? Mild-mannered yet competitive, these newbies took us for all we were worth on Saturday.


For the second straight week, If You Want My Bocce played short-handed. Only Love Touch was loyal enough to make it to matches each of the past two weeks. If I had actually gotten my Rod MVP idea off the ground, she would definitely deserve the Rod LP of the week for showing up to both matches.

Love Touch and Young Turk played well together. Yours truly and the Balltrap were inconsistent but pulled it together when it mattered most.

In Game 1, we almost blew a 5-0 early lead but held onto win 7-6. In Game 2, we came from a 6-2 hole to win 7-6. The Cleveland Steamers bought us some beer and we all toasted the good cheer of everyone involved. Up next, the Coffee Flats Mercenaries.

Record: 3-1

Well, Sometimes Team Rod is Stoppable

And last Saturday was one of those times. Team Rod was short four vital players (three were attending the nuptials of a friend and we lost one to the law that day), but the four remaining players felt cool, confident and ready to take on the Kai. One of my teammates told me my hair looked nice, so I was feeling good!

So we took to the court and really gave the Kai a run for their money. We all rolled pretty well and to be honest, I thought we were going take the first set (Is that what it's even called? When playing bocce, I like to use tennis terminology - game, set, match. Is this wrong?). But alas, we didn't and took a 7 to 5 loss. Sadly, after we lost Big Mo we just never regained our composure. Yeah, Cobra Kai spanked us - 7 to 1. Ouch. I have to say, I'm disappointed. I really think we could have beaten them, but victory just wasn't in the cards for Rod that day.

Afterward, while smoking a cigarette, I was shat on by a flying rat, which is supposed to be good luck. Well, where were you BEFORE the match, stupid pigeon?!

Team Rod is Unstoppable

Especially when four of our past six opponents have been too afraid to face us.

This past Saturday, it was New Kids on the Bocc who refused to show up. If I were those jokers, I'd be afraid to face Rod too.

Rod Demands Respect

If You Want My Bocce continues to get disrespected by the Bocce Elite. That is okay though. Because three of our past five matches have seen our foes too afraid to even show up and take us on.

In a scrimmage against one of our many soon to be victims, we won two games to one.

If You Want My Bocce - 1 Victory
The rest of the league - Who cares?

Fall Season Will Be All Rod

And maybe a fat lady in pink. But it will definitely not have anything to do with Robin Williams.