IYWMB v. Shut It, We’re Here to Drink, Saturday, 18th April, 1:00 p.m.

By Dave aka Gladrags
Photos by Jim aka "Balltrap"

And drink they did.

We arrived a few minutes before match time. The bar was already permeated by the aroma of fried food and teeming with fans who had come not in the expectation that they might one day tell their grandchildren that they witnessed first-hand the completion of IYWMB’s almost undefeated season, but rather to watch the F.A. Cup semifinal between Arsenal and Chelsea on satellite TV. After a few minutes of warm-ups, we noticed that our opponents were three, and Courson approached them to inquire as to the status of their fourth. He was sadly not told to shut it, but rather that their final member was on his way. He arrived a few minutes later, and after Shut It scored a couple of sixes of Schlitz, IYWMB’s inexorable march toward almost-undefeatedness was underway.


The first game was over in a flash. A wondertoss by Sujan made it 1-0, good throws by Courson and me made it 2-0 and 3-0 respectively, and another great Sujan roll (made possible by some opportunistic play by Auntie Bethy) left us with a 4-0 lead. Under the weight of this onslaught, Shut It folded like a Japanese schoolgirl making an origami representation of despair. Visibly rattled, they gave us an easy opportunity for four, but Courson and I only needed three. 7-0.

The second game started much as the first had. Sujan and Jim pressed them early with the long game, and Shut It proved helpless against the power of the rollback. Seemingly, also helpless against the power of the Schlitz’s. Jim secured one point and yet another brilliant effort by Sujan turned one into two. 2-0.


Courson kept the pedal pressed firmly to the metal and went long again. Curiously, I had decided to advise one of the Shut It guys in the interval about the need when rolling from the south end to get past the dark patch (or as I call it, “Coogan’s Bluff”) and down the hill. I was soundly punished for that departure from my normally cutthroated nature, as that same Shut It roller then scooted right past our defensive balls and made it 2-2. His Mets shirted partner could have gone for three, but failed to summon the courage. Either that, or he was simply so amazed that they had scored any points that he lost his grip on the ball and just dropped it. The Schlitz now coursing through their veins, they quickly snatched another point to make it 3-2, before Courson seemed to right the USS IYWMB and level things at 3.


Unfortunately, this proved to be only a temporary course correction, and some lucky rollbacks and a lot of brute force put them up 6-3. Just then, the bar erupted, as Drogba rounded the Arsenal keeper and slotted home to send Chelsea to Wembley. Shut It must have been disappointed, because they couldn’t have seemed any more eager to throw the game away. After throwing the white ball long, they threw their first ball short, and it settled in about eight feet from the target. It was to end up their closest ball. The second throw hit the back wall and a shout of “Don’t let them get four points” from an increasingly pained teammate began to look more like a prophecy than a warning. Two more balls against the back wall, and Sujan and Jim crossed the “t” and dotted the “i.” It spelled victory.

In Honor of Double Trouble: A Double Update!

And so let it be written: Rod is on fire.

While he must apologize for lack of updates, it was for good reason.

You see, he spent the better part of last week and a half on an incredible bender, doing 8-balls, visiting strip clubs and participating in generally despicable behavior, all in the name of celebration.


Please allow Rod to explain:

First, there was the game against the Balls of Justice. I assume they were made up of lawyers with a pretty good sense of humor. But a good sense of humor does not a bocce game win, as was clearly demonstrated as Rod brought the gavel down in style.

Here are some examples of Rod's prowess on the court:

Dr. Booze declared that the victory was thanks to her burgeoning relationship with WB (or as the uninitiated refer to her, "Water Bottle").

To find out more, you can spy on this beautiful duo by going here: http://ilovemynewwaterbottle.blogspot.com/

However, this clearly wasn't a WB-related victory, because the next week, we took down Cobra Kai.

Note the fancy cursive!

This game had been in the back of our minds all season, especially because the match (originally slated to go down over a month ago) was postponed. Many of us worried that these two teams would never meet, but alas, the scheduling Gods made this happen and things got weird.

First, Rod goes down 4-0.

But apparently, Rod enjoys being an underdog because that shit did not last!

Bam!

Moments later, comeback city. Ball after ball flowed freely from Rod's spindly fingers, racking up points like hit singles of other people's records.

Before we knew it, the game was over, and as our heads stopped spinning, we all came to the startling realization that a) Dr. Booze is a liar and b) Mitch was on fire. Playing a match that would make any old Italian man blush, Mitch brought the thunder and made it rain pain. Witness a graceful toss from the golden arm:

Team Rod: The New Face of First Place!

As you may have gleaned from the title, we are now in possession of first place in the Saturday ranks. I give the arrival of Double Trouble credit for this feat. Allow me to explain.


As you can see from the scoreboard, the first round was abysmal. It may have had something to do with the boisterous cursing of Tottenham fans, who are undying loyalists and would have been cute in a non-competitive setting, but were mostly distracting. The second round began the same way. We were down 4 to 1, but that's when Otis came swooning over the speakers.

Sure, Sam was a no show (from now on, all playlists with Otis must now include a Sam song as well), but with the sudden support from the new arrivals, Dan's spirit lifted and before we knew it, the rest of the team came with.

Erik was dancing (to be fair, he danced the entire time, but before Otis, it was a sad dance of defeat and hangovers).

Henry perked up for the first time all day (though he would hold out on high fives until he left shortly after round 2). Also, please note his Chelsea jersey, which was pointed out by a few Tottenham hooligans, who were savagely mocked by Henry's total lack of awareness at their team's existence.


So we ground out game two, coming back and making Rod proud of us, a feat never achieved by his failure of a son Sean.


And let's not get started with Kimberly.


Suffice it to say, shortly after this photo was taken, we discovered that a) she's terrible at riding motorcycles and b) she chose not to wear underwear.

Back to the subject at hand, we wiped up round 3 and snatched victory from the Hibocces. Perhaps the best team we've played this season, but still, no match for a strong Rod (Mitch was still missing, which made us sad, but not sad enough to nix dancing). And the spiritual presence of Sujan and Double Trouble was felt by all.

Winning shot!


Welcome Sam and Otis!

Rod Loves 4 on 1 (But Usually Prefers to Be the 1)

Saturday saw Rod's record improve to 4-1. We had a difficult time putting together a full squad. But not nearly as difficult a time as our opponent. In fact, they only had one person show up. On our side, Mike gallantly stepped in to be our 4th member.

So despite what the rules state, we decided why the heck not? Let's do it 4 on 1, Rod Style!

We won. No problem. We wore down Excessive Force Chris and celebrated.

On another note, this match will be my last bocce match before the arrival of Double Trouble - planned for this Friday. Their bocce training will commence the next day but I doubt I'll be at the highly anticipated Cobra Kai match. Go Rod!

Hot Off The Presses!!!

This just in: IYWMB defeats Ruckamuck 2 to 1!

Round 1: 7-2
Round 2: 6-7
Round 3: 7-2

Ruckamuck, who, unlike our last opponent, actually showed up for the game, pulled out every trick in their book to defeat us and came up short, even with the last minute addition of this lady:


























As Dan noted, it must have been the great presence of Rod in Brooklyn that Friday that provided the extra "oomph" in our throws, the extra sexy in our bocce and the extra sleep deprivation in Dan's slouching tosses of victory.

After the amazing victory over those ruthless probable law students that comprise Ruckamuck, not to mention Sweet Touch assisting Cobra Kai in a near shut-out defeat of The Iron Fists (they DO exist), several of Rod's members charged off into the crisp Brooklyn afternoon and watched as Sweet Touch rode various inanimate objects home as a questionable form of celebration.

The results weren't pretty:

Rod Wishes his Brooklyn Pals Good Luck

From today's paper of record:
Daptone Records, the Brooklyn soul label that releases albums by Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings and the Budos Band among others, was burglarized over the Presidents’ Day weekend, the label’s co-founder, Gabriel Roth, said in an e-mail message reported on brooklynvegan.com. Mr. Roth wrote that numerous items had been stolen or damaged, including computers, turntables, amplifiers, guitars and other instruments. In an interview, the other founder, Neal Sugarman, said workers were still cleaning up the label’s office, in the Bushwick section of Brooklyn, and assessing what was taken, adding, “It’s hard to tell whether they knew what they wanted to get or not.” He said that police were investigating and that the label would remain closed for several days, though it hoped to reopen by Friday for a planned recording session for Rod Stewart.

From Gabriel Roth's letter:
We have a session scheduled for Friday to lay down some music for (I know this sounds surreal) Rod Stewart, and I'm going to have to get the studio running by then. I know I'm going to need to find headphones, cables, mics, and pre-amps by then. I'm not sure what else yet.

Rolling Stone reports that the Rod sessions are in doubt. No!!!!!!!

Rod is in Brooklyn this Friday? What's he doing on Saturday? Shit, we've got to get in touch with Daptone to let Rod know to come see us play!

Rod Eliminates the Competition in a Triumphant Forfeit!

The Iron Fists proved no match for Rod's seductive ways. It's clear that they caught word of our savage play the previous week and intentionally avoided our devastating oxidization powers.

Rod is embarrassed about that last sentence.

Little did the The Iron Fists know, Rod is not beneath free points.

Season thus far: 2-1.

This coming week allows us a break so we can celebrate Valentine's Day Rod-style. That means:

...uh, hide in the trunk of your lady's car and emerge wearing a plaid scarf and your skivvies.

Or, you know, surprise her when she walks in the door wearing those special green pants you bought for just such an occasion:
Just keep in mind, whatever you decide to do, make it special. Rod wouldn't have it any other way.

Also, President's Day is coming up, Rod has no thoughts on the subject. He prefers Royalty.

Dirty Weekend

Athlete Name: Rebecca Orchant

Nickname: Dirty Weekend

Age: 24

Birthplace: Albuquerque, NM. Really.

Began playing bocce when: The good old days.

Training regiment: Always with beer.

What got you into the sport: My love of old Italian men and all that they love.

Where do you find the inspiration: Peer pressure.

Turn-ons/Turn-offs: The skin on chocolate pudding/Open-mouthed chewing.

What do you look for in a set of balls: Groom...edness.

What is your overall bocce philosophy: If you can play it one-handed, I'm in!

Greatest Bocce Moment: Crushing Sean Stewart in the match of a lifetime, sending him on a downward spiral into Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. Purely for my own viewing pleasure.

Famous Quote: Oh, BALLS.

Only a Hobo

Athlete Name: Sean Gardner.

Nickname: Only A Hobo.
Age: 27

Birthplace: Somewhere outside of Boston.

Began playing bocce when: Sperm.

Training regiment: With beer.

What got you into the sport: Failure at every other "organized sport."

Where do you find the inspiration: Mockery. Shame. Also, fear.

Turn-ons/Turn-offs: Crying/Douches.

What do you look for in a set of balls: Caked in a thin layer of dust.

What is your overall bocce philosophy: It could have been worse.

Greatest Bocce Moment: I once challenged Rod himself to a game. We toasted a round of Pimms' Cups and rolled our smooth balls 'neath the Sphinx. Between games, he serenaded me with a stirring rendition of "You Put Something Better Inside Me" (it made me feel weird).

Famous Quote: "Define inappropriate."

Rod Likes a Full Squad

For the first time in ages, attendance was not a worry. And Rod kicked much ass. Against Boccismo, Rod felt good.

7-2
7-3

Big Bam Boom! Oh wait, that isn't Rod.

Season Record: 1-1

Check back for updates on our newest team members in the next couple of days.

A Sad Month in Rod Land

It's been a long time since I've written. A lot has happened.

1. Yes, we lost to Veni Vidi Bocce in the Final 8 of the fall playoffs. We won Game 1 and then blew a 6-2, Game 2 lead to go meekly in Game 3. Ugh. Final record: 4-7



2. YouTube banned my last movie featuring a great Rod song. It can currently be seen without sound. I've tried to upload it to SHR's server but have been running into problems with it. I smell a conspiracy.

3. We've moved to Saturdays. Too many babies and homework assignments have led us to this road. Although Saturdays now look to be a problem for too many hangovers.

4. We've added two new team members, Rebecca and Sean. More on the new Rods to follow.

In our first match of the new season against Kiss My Pallino, we got spanked. It was ugly. 7-2, 7-3. We were a bare bones operation (see last sentence of #3) and it showed. Things can only get better from here.

Rod feels small.

We Lost and Then Our Sport Was Insulted

Rod lost a nailbiter to Veni Vidi Bocce in the Round of 8. More on that later.

Then we went to Pick and Climb '08 where the King of the Festivities ripped into our grand game.

Giving Rod a Bad Name

Booooo!!!!!

Here Comes Rod

Despite an abysmal regular season, here comes Rod roaring into the playoffs.

In the Round of 32, we lost to Boccismo in Game 1 but then came back to win the second and third games.

In the Round of 16, we dispatched of Do These Droids Speak Bocce in quick fashion - 2 quick frames. They had had a long layoff between their games and Rod knows better than anyone how long layoffs can really mess with one's rhythm.

This Sunday - the final 8.

First up: Veni Vidi Bocce

The Movie with sound. Well, not yet. Still having problems getting it to work.

Or the blocked YouTube version. I can't believe Rod would block his namesake bocce team.

A Doubleheader Disaster

Holy moly, we are terrible. Absolutely terrible. Truly truly terrible. I can't even figure out what to write here. I don't even remember the exact scores of this awful night.

Let me try.

Match 1 against Watch Your Balls was terrible. We lost both frames and we weren't even close.

Match 2 against Gowanus Iguanas was terrible. We won the first game after falling behind 4-0. Then we lost the second game 7-6. In game 3, it was short and not to sweet. But at least Sweet Touch made sure we went out in a stinking flame of glory. I wish that I had footage of it.

The situation was this:
We were down 3-0 already. They had one point. Erik decided to do something great or fail in spectacular fashion. Either outcome would be memorable. I think you know where this is going. He turned their one point into a four spot, game over. 7-0 Iguanas.

So we fell to an abysmal 2-6. We have one more shot to get to the vaunted three win level next Monday.

Our game is against the JTBP crew who as of this coming Monday were 0-7. This past week's results have still not been posted on the Floyd website so I'm not sure what their current record is. If they are 0-8, it would be wonderful to give them their only win. The only other time we played them last season, they beat us.

I hate bocce.

Just for kicks, I copied this post into a poem generator to see what I got since my words aren't enough to fully encapsulate the sorrow that it is to be Rod this week. I kind of like it.

FACELESS, DEAD FLOWERS LOUDLY PUSH A COLD, FAST WORKER.
DAMN, DEATH!
OH, FAITH!

Season Record: 2-6

We Were as Bad as Rod's Haircut

And all of a sudden, Team Rod is an ugly 2-4. Yikes.

If You Want My Bocce vs. Bourbon Balls

It was the first time we had played them since summer 2007. In previous matches, we had put together a nice 2-0 record the balls of Bourbon.

Game 1
We borrowed Cap'n Terror because Jim was running late from class and we needed a fourth. Jim showed up right before Cap'n Terror rolled but Cap'n Sweet Touch decided to go with the Terror.

It was close at first but then we turned a 3-spot to our advantage into a 1 point Bourbon Balls frame and to be honest, the night was all downhill from there.

We lost 7-2, 7-2. Yup, Rod got a beatdown.

We'll try to rebound with a big doubleheader this coming Monday.

Up Then Down

Three weeks ago, we beat the Coffee Flats Terrors for the 8th straight time.



Two weeks ago, we blew a 5-0 lead to Da Bears and lost a heartbreaker.

Monday night, we look to even our record.

CFT
Game 1
7-0 Terrors
7-4 Rod
7-4 Rod

Da Bears
7-2 Rod
7-4 Da Bears
7-5 Da Bears

Season Record
2-3

We Just Can't Beat the Sweet Meats When I'm Playing

After going 0-6 against the Sweet Meats with me in attendance, Rod was riding high on a 1 game winning streak against the Meats without me in attendance.

I was there last Monday night. The result? An obvious one. I was terrible - perhaps my worst game ever.

The Movie: Watch it if for nothing else - SHR's and Jim's great shots when we were down to our last ball.



Game 1
7-4 Meats

Game 2
7-4 Meats

Season Record: 1-2

A Two Hour Game Edited to a Crisp 1 Minute and 22 Seconds

In this movie, Erik drops a possible big news development.



Too bad we lost.

Season record: 1-1

Rod vs. New Kids on the Bocc Haiku

There were four of us
We began with a four spot
Ended with one too


7-4
7-2
Rod!

Season Record: 1-0