I. LAYING PLANS
1. The art of bocce is of vital importance to The Coffee Flats Terrors and If You Want My Bocce.
2. It is a matter of victory or defeat, a road either to clowns and limos or to ruin. Hence it is a subject of inquiry which can on no account be neglected.
3. The art of bocce war, then, is governed by five constant factors, to be taken into account in one's deliberations, when seeking to determine the conditions obtaining in the field, hopefully the court is not full of puddles upon arriving at Floyd.
4. These are: (1) The Moral Law; (2) Heaven; (3) Earth; (4) The Commander; (5) Method and discipline; (6) Winning in two frames
5,6. The Moral Law causes the people to be in complete accord with their ruler (Turkey Terror and Hot Legs), so that they will follow them regardless of their lives, undismayed by any danger or getting caught in a Balltrap.
7. Heaven signifies night and day, cold and heat, times, seasons, and being wishy washy on when you want a start time.
8. Earth (and the bocce court) comprises distances, great and small (sometimes you bank off the wall, other times you don't); danger and security; open ground and narrow passes; the chances of victory or defeat.
9. The Commander stands for the virtues of wisdom,sincerely, benevolence, courage and strictness. When Hot Legs says come to practice and Down the Gasoline Bocce doesn't come, should he really be allowed full playing time?
10. By method and discipline are to be understood the marshaling of the team in its proper subdivisions, the graduations of rank among the officers (Balltrap, you sure you don't want to be captain?), the maintenance of the playing court by which balls may reach the paulino, and the control of the first toss.
11. These five heads should be familiar to every general: he who knows them will be victorious; he who knows them not will fail.
12. Therefore, in your deliberations, when seeking to determine the military conditions, let them be made the basis of a comparison, in this wise:--
13. (1) Which of the two sovereigns is imbued with the Moral law?
So far, it has been the Terrors.
(2) Which of the two generals has most ability?
Only one dabbles in spreadsheets.
(3) With whom lie the advantages derived from Heaven and Earth?
We all know which team has the most of the Chosen People.
(4) On which side is discipline most rigorously enforced?
Again, the nod goes to the defending champs.
(5) Which army is stronger?
See above.
(6) On which side are officers and players more highly trained?
Um, see four and five.
(7) In which army is there the greater constancy both in reward and punishment?
Balltrap, you want to answer that one?
14. By means of these seven considerations I can forecast victory or defeat.
15. The general that hearkens to my counsel and acts upon it, will conquer: let such a one be retained in command!
Why did Cap'n Terror step down?
The general that hearkens not to my counsel nor acts upon it will suffer defeat:--let such a one be dismissed!
Down with Turkey Terror!
16. While heading the profit of my counsel, avail yourself also of any helpful circumstances over and beyond the ordinary rules. For example, insist that the start time of this week's rematch between your CFT and the If You Want My Bocce be switched to your most convenient time, not once but twice. Nevermind, if it is proven bocce knowledge that playing the second game of a doubleheader (which the Terrors will get to do just as they did the first time they played If You Want My Bocce) is beneficial. Instead, mutter some nonsense about Sweet Touch, world traveler, coming back early that morning and needing his sweet touch rest. This didn't bother them too much when they were rearranging the schedule in the first place. Oh well, they have mastered the art of bocce war, what can If You Want My Bocce do?
17. According as circumstances are favorable, one should modify one's plans, or ask the underdogs to change their schedules whenever you feel like it.
18. All warfare is based on deception.
Yup.
19. Hence, when able to attack, we must seem unable; when using our forces, we must seem inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must make him believe we are near; when on the precipice of losing, make sure to take pictures of The Balltrap.
20. Hold out baits to entice the enemy. Feign disorder, and crush him. Tape up the number 23 and enter the court to the strains of Public Enemy.
21. If he is secure at all points, be prepared for him. If he is in superior strength, evade him. Pretend it doesn't matter that playing a first game is important, then accuse your opponent of whining.
22. If your opponent is of choleric temper, seek to irritate him. Pretend to be weak, that he may grow arrogant, otherwise known as the Team ODIN strategy against Lethal Dose of Love.
23. If he is taking his ease, give him no rest. If his forces are united, separate them, If Dixie Toot is your secret weapon, let her shine.
24. Attack him where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected, whether it is at 1 pm or 2:45.
25. These military devices, leading to victory, must not be divulged beforehand.
Oops.
26. Now the general who wins a battle makes many calculations in his temple ere the battle is fought. The general who loses a battle makes but few calculations beforehand. Thus do many calculations lead to victory, and few calculations to defeat:
how much more no calculation at all! It is by attention to this point that I can foresee who is likely to win or lose.
Go If You Want My Bocce!
