Sunday, December 20, 2009

Rod Hates the Fall Playoffs

Not only did Rod not make it to the Final 4 but now the Onion is making fun of him.

And, oh yeah, Joanie Loves Bocce won ... again.

Sunday, December 06, 2009

The Same Old Song: Rod's Christmas Is Ruined Yet Again

Bah humbug! After starting the season 7-0, we entered the playoffs on a 1 game losing streak.

Our first match was won by forfeit.

Our second match was lost by pure domination.

For the second season in a row, the Gowanus Iguanuas took us out in the Final 8. We beat them in the regular season but that's no consolation. In the playoffs, they have proven to know how to tame Rod.

We go into yet another offseason with no trophy. Maybe Season 13 will be the lucky season for Rod.

All in all, we can't be too upset about a 7-2 season but it's hard to be too happy going out like punks like we did. Rod doesn't like punks.

Quote of the night:
Jim: "I was hoping to get my master's and a bocce trophy in the same week. I hope I still get my master's."

I'll be ordering my new Rod shirt soon. I hope my teammates join me. We need a new look to take on 2010 and lucky number (season) 13.

No more Mr. Nice Rod in 2010!

As for 2009, it remains the same old song.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Seven is Not Enough

Rod and his wife Penny are trying to have their second child. It would be Rod's eighth child. When asked about it, Rod said, "“Yes, we’re trying — we actually tried last night! One more and then we’re going to close the office.”

Coincidentally(?), Team Rod was also going for it last night. We were going for our 8th win of the fall season. If successful, we would finish the regular season with a perfect 8-0 record.

Unfortunately for Rod, wife Penny is still not with (Rod)child. And Team Rod did not go undefeated. We fell behind early in both games by scores of 4-0 and 3-0 only to come back and take 6-4 and 5-3 leads. But we couldn't hold the fort either time and lost both games to The Mo I Bocce.

Just like we know Rod will be more successful in impregnating his wife in the coming days, we know that Team Rod will be more successful in bringing home more victories in the coming days. The playoffs start after Thanksgiving. And unlike Rod, Team Rod will not be closing up office when it attains its 8th. Team Rod wants a trophy.

And when we win, we'll invite Rod and Penny along for the ride in the limo where they can try for lucky number 8. Go Rod!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

One Victory Away from An Undefeated Regular Season!

Rod goes 7-0. Mitch does the telling. And for the record Mitch, we played Tarrytown Surprise.

For my first write-up ever, I'm embarrassed to report that I don't remember the name of the team we played - but I do know that they seemed like nice people and one guy in particular made a pretty amazing shot at one point. That said, they needed to recruit a stranger from the bar to be their fourth player, and it's no secret that Rod intimidates and manipulates strangers like no one else (I'm sorry but I'm out of milk and coffee; Never mind, sugar, we can watch the early movie").

Game one seemed to go very quickly - I remember Rebecca and Beth rolling particularly well from the top of the court. I stunk in game two, missing an entire cluster of balls in the middle of the court to hit the back wall for the third time in my first four shots and contribute mightily to a swift defeat. But game three saw Rod claw back and take control to keep the prospects of an undefeated season alive.

For the record, I also thought our team was particularly well-dressed tonight - Jim was wearing a sweatshirt I hadn't seen before, Erik was wearing a very fetching yellow sweater, and I believe I heard Beth complement Rebecca's sweater more than once. It was aces all around, and another one for the win column. On the season, we now have as many victories (7) as Rod has children. Odds are high that both numbers will continue to rise.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Friends, Foes and Terrible Grades

Dudes. Did you SEE Rod on Dancing with Stars?? Me neither, but check out that suit jacket!

Some other really great stuff has happened with Rod since last we spoke. Let's break it down.

Everyone knows that Rod has no natural predators in the wild (oh, what, TIGERS? Please!). In fact, he doesn't even like to have enemies. However, sometimes it's necessary. Rod stared down one of the greatest threats that man has ever known. The Wildfowl.

In FACT, Rod dislikes having enemies so much (especially when his enemies are usually friends, but for the purpose of competition must hate each other for a 1.5 hour period every few seasons), he had to dismantle the competition in two frames. Oh, hello 5-0, how about you come back to my dressing room?

Everyone needs a break between games. Below you can see Otis being rocked to sleep by the knowledge that Sean was mere DAYS away from shaving that beard off.

Then it was back to business. Rod had to face down a crew known only as "F-". But Rod wasn't fooled. Rod knows all about intentionally lowered expectations for purposes of subterfuge. Haven't you seen his children on reality TV? So, we approached our opponent with careful study and an air of cautious elegance.

By that I mean, Dan rolled with a BABY attached to him!

The F-'s were also taken down in two, as we all wanted to go home and bed our new ladyfriends, 6-0.

Just reach out and touch me, 6-0. Just reach out and touch me.

Monday, October 26, 2009

The Last Two Weeks in Rod News

1. Rod tore it up on Leno.
2. Team Rod beat Watch Your Balls in 2 games to run their season record to 4-0.

3. Team Rod discovered the best blog on the interweb.

4. Rod's new LP drops tomorrow.
5. Make sure to catch Rod on Kimmel later in the week.

It's a glorious time to be Team Rod right now.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Monday, September 28, 2009

Team Rod vs. Boccelism

An 8 pm start time at Floyd usually means 8:45 or later, right? Especially when it is supposed to be the third game of the night.

So I was surprised to get a call from Jim at 8:03 stating that the game was about to start and he was the only member of the squad who was actually there. Shit! I was getting ready to leave when I got his call. I hopped on my bike and pedaled as fast as I could through downtown Brooklyn. A forfeit is not the way Rod wants to go out.

I pedaled like I've never pedaled before.

Game 1
I arrived to Floyd out of breath and ready to roll. Lucky for me, it was my turn to roll. Perfect timing.

We took a 4-0 lead but in Rod style gave it back. Two 3 spots to the Lism didn't help matters. We lost 7-5.

Game 2
With the score tied at 2, we were handed a golden opportunity to put up a 4 spot which is unheard of against Boccelism. I was in disbelief. But I was in even more disbelief when we couldn't capitalize and only scored two.

No matter. We still won. It just took longer.

Game 3
Jim took over.

In the final frame, we each had one ball left but they had the point.

That is they had the point until Jim went to town. Lism missed and we had the victory!

It was our first victory against Boccelism since November 2007. And it felt nice.

With two games down, we are feeling good. After two seasons in Saturday purgatory, we are back with the cream of the crop on Monday nights. We have already vanquished the team that ended our summer season and now the six time champions.

Could this season finally belong to Rod?

Season Record: 2-0

Monday, September 21, 2009

Three Heartthrobs

Last Monday

This heartthrob died.

This heartthrob stunned the tennis world.

This heartthrob took care of business.
Team Rod over Gowanus Iguanus in 3.

Season Record: 1-0

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Rod Tastes Defeat Yet Once Again

Summer Playoffs

It started off well. I was at home rooting on Rod from my couch. We were playing the Holy Bocce Balls, Batman! Um, yeah.

Sean kept me up-to-date on what was going on. I paid him back by explaining the difference between a match, a game, and a frame.

And then Rod finished them off.

I biked over for our final 8 match against the always tough Gowanus Iguanas.

Dave had to leave so I kept him informed.

But we couldn't finish them off! It was so frustrating. It was typical Rod. We started Game 3 strong by taking a 4-0 lead. Then they came back to tie it before we took a 6-4. As mentioned in my text with Dave, we had them down to their last point. But they made a great shot to take the point. 6-5 us.

In the next frame, they tied us at 6.

In the final frame of the match, Mitch made a great shot and things looked great for us. They missed on the next two tries. They were down to their last shot. And the same guy who made the clutch shot earlier did it again!

We had one ball left. Erik tried to smash but missed. Victory was not Rod's. Again.

Not sure why I even needed to text this to Dave since I'm pretty sure he heard the cheering from the always quite vocal Iguanas while sitting in his apartment a few blocks away.

When I told SHR what happened, she said, "It seems like the other team always makes some miraculous shot to beat us at the end."

The next weekend The Wildfowl took their third championship. Congratulations turkeys!

This season, Rod heads back to Monday nights. Can we keep up our 8 game winning streak against them? Or now that they have changed their team name, have things changed?

And most importantly, how does team captain Sweet Touch feel about the Wildfowl victory considering the stated reason he left the squad back during the contentious autumn of '07 was because he wanted to have the most championships of anyone amongst the two rival squads? Now we have to win this season just for him to tie.

Bring on the fall!

Season Record: 7-5

Friday, August 21, 2009

An Unhappy Recap in Texts and E-Mails

In the last game of the regular season Team Rod faced off against a team that had only one win all season - against Rod.

This summer has been a trying one for Rod. Too much blow and not enough rolling.

I couldn't make it to the game but Sean kept me posted through the magic of the satellites in the sky.

The next day, the sadness mixed with relief.

Sean sent the team an e-mail after finding out that we were tied for first on Saturday:
Wow. Too bad the Mets can't get this sort of competition. 6-4 and first? Christ! I will also take this moment to apologize to my teammates for my performance last night. If you need a recap, you can feel free to ask those that were there, including Balgavy, Ezra and Jamie, each wearing a smirk and giggling like school children. We not only let ourselves down, but Rod was let down. As was the game of bocce. I may never recover.

To which Sweet Touch responded with poetry:
Day 1 of the season starts next Saturday, everything else was just passing time.

Rebecca wrote:
I agree. Everything else was just practice. EXCEPT for when I played the best bocce of my life last night. I'm going to go ahead and count that.

Jim brought up raunchiness, the way Rod likes it.
You need to think more like Rod in the photos where he is wearing a speedo: no shame.

SHR wrote:
Yeah, not to steal your thunder Sean, but there are been many many epic collapses for Team Rod. It's what makes us Team Rod.

Sean was sufficiently cheered up:
Wow, look at this outpouring of shame. Maybe Rod is my team for good reason. Not only do I choke under pressure and allow amazing leads vanquish but I also stage ridiculous acts of violence over losses. But nothing close to Sujan's story. I need to look for that hole now. So exciting! Never have I been more proud to play for Rod.

The real season starts tomorrow!

Friday, August 14, 2009

The Double "Trouble" Header

That's right. Two games. Same teams both games. Trouble.

Especially with an incomplete line-up. After a near forfeit, we were handed down a gift from the gods, Jeff from The Mo' I Bocce, or as we like to call him, "Sweet Touch." Wink!

So "Sweet Touch" Jeff, together with Dan, Becca and Sean, ventured into the first of two matches against Joanie Loves Bocce (it happened to be their second of three games that day and the captain's third of four, yeesh). They tried not to look out to the bright, beautiful Brooklyn Saturday that they were missing. I let them know that while they were stuck inside, playing game after game of bocce, Rod had already been to the Flea, the Farmers' and kissed Bonita farewell that day. But then we're gloating assholes, so whatever.

Oh, right, the game. We won the first. And, in typical Rod style, got cocky and lost the second. It was tooth and nail, or more appropriately, tooth and measuring tape the entire showdown. Seriously, about 30 shots were painstakingly measured by the captain, who maybe should change career paths and go into carpentry. Or a job at Home Depot.

This was the last weekend of the regular season, and it left us with a 6-3 record. However, we would have one final, memorable, tragic make-up game ahead of us. And we'll allow Dan to tell that story at a future date. Stay posted, it's a doozy.

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Rod Loves Visitors From Olympia, Washington

Team Rod has had a difficult time fielding a team this season.

For our 8/1 match, we turned to an out-of-town guest Shawn. She kicked ass, Rod style.

Her thoughts on the match (as ghostwritten by her boyfriend Adam who was 3,000 miles away during the match) --
i showed up to hang out and drink a few beers, but i ended up leading the team to the greatest upset in the history of brooklyn bocce. i was pounding forties like there was no tomorrow, just trying to max and relax and kick back and enjoy the ambience. but when 3 members of my friend's team could not show due to a wicked bungee jumping accident, i was called out of the bullpen to give my all for victory. my hands were shaky at first considering this was the first time that i had played competitive bocce in some time. but i soon gathered my steel and started knocking the bocce ball down. a hooper there, a leaner there, i was on fire and could see nothing but the ball and the target. there were no words exchanged, no pleasantries, but there was an unspoken bond between team and balls that could not be interrupted for anything. soon enough the rival team was dispatched and we all celebrated with some champagne coolies.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Rod Does Some Soul Searching

There used to be a day when Rod would get invited to every secret event and hip gathering in every port from NYC to Shanghai and all points in between.

But it has recently come to his attention that there are some secret dumpster pool parties going on in Brooklyn. So secret that Rod wasn't even invited.

He gets that - maybe the organizers didn't think he'd want to attend so they simply saved him the awkwardness of having to politely demur. To be honest, swimming in a pool made out of a dumpster isn't exactly the same as doing lines from Rachel Hunter's bumhole, now is it?

But then he took a look at this picture and spied something.

That's right - a bocce court!

Everyone knows that if there is any sort of fun bocce going on anywhere in the world, Rod wants to know. He is devastated that he was not invited and now wonders if he has put out one too many Songbook collections to be considered hip enough to be invited to these kinds of events.

It is a sad day for Rod but he promises to take it out on our opponent this Saturday. Watch out Solid Gold!

Speaking of Solid Gold ...

Monday, July 13, 2009

Summer Season x 5 Games.

Alright, whatever, Rod's over apologies. It's time to fill you in on the season so far. So what if I'm unable to keep my drinking in check? So what if I have to write this post at the studio because as soon as I get home, I can't function through the gin fog? So what if I can't be trusted around heavy machinery? Who needs heavy machinery?

So here's the deal, I post a photo of the score, tell you a quick bit about the game, move on. I've got five to get through here, give me a break.
vs. Solid Gold.

So the thing I remember about this game is that Sweet Touch knew the guy on the team. They were rookies. They were better than we expected.

Also, it was the same day as Dr. Booze's farewell party. Which was epic. But back to the game, we won.

vs. The Mo I Bocce.

These guys were also rookies. They were also better than expected. They are incredibly friendly and delightful to play against. Also, we beat them. Always nice.

Oh, and there were an insane amount of kids in the bar. Having birthday parties. In the bar. Yep.

And it was a double header. This was game one. Game two...

vs. The Lassos.

I remember that girl from Gossip Girl, Blake Lively, was in the bar during this match. People flocked to her and her small dog. How did this happen? Didn't they realize that Rod Stewart himself was in the house? How dare they?

We must have been tired because after three hours of bocce that fine Saturday, we lost to The Lassos. Another team of rookies. It was shameful.

vs. Count Boccula.

Yep. We lost to a team named Count Boccula. And they were, guess what... rookies!!!

To be fair, Sweet Touch was crushingly hungover (who does he think he is, Rod?) and Dirty Weekend's little brother Jason, a rookie of our own for once, filled in as our fourth. It didn't help. Rod folded like balsa wood under the pressure and walked home, head hung in shame. Count Boccula...

vs. The Mo I Bocce. Again.

Yes, it's been that long. I missed that many posts. We played The Mo I Bocce once again this past Saturday. Again, we beat them. Here's an artistic version of the above photo:

Sexy, right? It reminds me of myself in the 70's. I miss those days.

Also, for this game, good ole' Jim Flood joined us. And he took some snazzy photos, like the one up top. And the one below this here sentence:

Monday, June 22, 2009

The End of Last Season, to the Best of My Knowledge

Rod did not win last season. Instead, Rod fell into an abyss of depression.

He blames the loss. To be honest (which Rod isn't a fan of), it merely started there. But then it spiraled downward, endlessly.

Other elements came into play. Like his inability to hold down a stable relationship. With a woman.

Or his children.

Also, he reflected on his choice of attire for the past 40 years and cringed. That's when the drinking started.

The drinking lasted until this evening. That's when he realized what a son of a bitch he is for not updating the blog. Maybe his son was right about him. Maybe he is nothing more than an egomaniac who loves to dangle carrots over the heads of his fans, i.e. the readers of this here blog. For this he apologizes.

Also, he would like to inform you that the apology is insincere. What do you want from him? He's a rock star. We do what we want.

For example:

On this note, Rod would like to share with you the comments from an email chain with his teammates regarding last season. Apparently, he was not the only one that drank himself into a coma.

"I know we lost to Old Dirty Barristers, not sure who we beat that day though."

"The week prior to that, we beat Cobra Kai, right?"

"Yeah, I don't remember who we played either. Did we play Cobra Kai? I don't even remember that."

So there you have it. In the first round of the playoffs, we're sort of sure that we beat Cobra Kai.

After that stunning victory, unparalleled in skill and class by any team ever to play the sweet game of bocce, we advanced to the following week, a winner take all scenario that would last hours and carry into the wee hours of late afternoon.

The first game, it was Rod versus Kiss My Pallino. But don't worry, we also took them down in a battle to end all battles. It was as if the Greek Gods were clashing, like "titans" if you will. Luckily, Rod played the role of Harry Hamlin and tricked the wily crew who, admittedly, were clearly more interested in the Preakness races anyway. Whatever, we advanced to the Final Four.

The Rod crew chose to indulge in a post-victory meal at Five Guys, strutting through Brooklyn Heights with bad attitudes and a swagger rivaling P. Diddy's. It wouldn't last long. Old Dirty Barristers, as you noticed from the emailed quotes above, decimated us in the Final Four.

The Final match was between ODB and Boccelism. Boccelism won. Again. Woo-hoo...

Monday, April 20, 2009

IYWMB v. Shut It, We’re Here to Drink, Saturday, 18th April, 1:00 p.m.

By Dave aka Gladrags
Photos by Jim aka "Balltrap"

And drink they did.

We arrived a few minutes before match time. The bar was already permeated by the aroma of fried food and teeming with fans who had come not in the expectation that they might one day tell their grandchildren that they witnessed first-hand the completion of IYWMB’s almost undefeated season, but rather to watch the F.A. Cup semifinal between Arsenal and Chelsea on satellite TV. After a few minutes of warm-ups, we noticed that our opponents were three, and Courson approached them to inquire as to the status of their fourth. He was sadly not told to shut it, but rather that their final member was on his way. He arrived a few minutes later, and after Shut It scored a couple of sixes of Schlitz, IYWMB’s inexorable march toward almost-undefeatedness was underway.

The first game was over in a flash. A wondertoss by Sujan made it 1-0, good throws by Courson and me made it 2-0 and 3-0 respectively, and another great Sujan roll (made possible by some opportunistic play by Auntie Bethy) left us with a 4-0 lead. Under the weight of this onslaught, Shut It folded like a Japanese schoolgirl making an origami representation of despair. Visibly rattled, they gave us an easy opportunity for four, but Courson and I only needed three. 7-0.

The second game started much as the first had. Sujan and Jim pressed them early with the long game, and Shut It proved helpless against the power of the rollback. Seemingly, also helpless against the power of the Schlitz’s. Jim secured one point and yet another brilliant effort by Sujan turned one into two. 2-0.

Courson kept the pedal pressed firmly to the metal and went long again. Curiously, I had decided to advise one of the Shut It guys in the interval about the need when rolling from the south end to get past the dark patch (or as I call it, “Coogan’s Bluff”) and down the hill. I was soundly punished for that departure from my normally cutthroated nature, as that same Shut It roller then scooted right past our defensive balls and made it 2-2. His Mets shirted partner could have gone for three, but failed to summon the courage. Either that, or he was simply so amazed that they had scored any points that he lost his grip on the ball and just dropped it. The Schlitz now coursing through their veins, they quickly snatched another point to make it 3-2, before Courson seemed to right the USS IYWMB and level things at 3.

Unfortunately, this proved to be only a temporary course correction, and some lucky rollbacks and a lot of brute force put them up 6-3. Just then, the bar erupted, as Drogba rounded the Arsenal keeper and slotted home to send Chelsea to Wembley. Shut It must have been disappointed, because they couldn’t have seemed any more eager to throw the game away. After throwing the white ball long, they threw their first ball short, and it settled in about eight feet from the target. It was to end up their closest ball. The second throw hit the back wall and a shout of “Don’t let them get four points” from an increasingly pained teammate began to look more like a prophecy than a warning. Two more balls against the back wall, and Sujan and Jim crossed the “t” and dotted the “i.” It spelled victory.