Tuesday, March 28, 2006

The Green and the Red

This Saturday was the big rematch between us and the Manchester United/Duke/NY Yankees/Dallas Cowboys/LA Lakers/Yomiuri Giants of bocce - The Coffee Flats Terrors.

Now openly referring to themselves as a juggernaut, we knew this was a serious test for us. I've said since the beginning of the season that I was trying to gear our team up for the playoffs. We weren't even remotely competitive in our first foray into the big time. How would we fare the second time?

I knew my team had not been playing loose so I needed them to relax. I played the role of court jester, all little boy jittery and bad jokester. With 9 members on our squad on this day, I decided not to play until a possible 3rd game. I even covered up my team t-shirt that I usually wear with such pride. I planned on blowing the Terrors away when I took off my sweatshirt to reveal the team colors if I were needed.

Game 1 was tight. We took a 3-0 lead that quickly was narrowed to 3-2. Still, we felt good and Reason to Believe was looking dominant for the first time in awhile. We need him to recover his Jordan-like ways and things were looking good.

Unfortunately, things fell apart. We had a terrible frame and gave four points to the Terrors. With the score 6-3, it seemed like we had no chance. But wait a minute! Strong play from Reason to Believe, Downtrain Train, Dixie Toot, and The Balltrap brought us to a 6-6 tie!

With two balls left, we had the chance to put the first game away and make the Terrors sweat a little bit. Instead, the pressure was too much and we couldn't get the job done. The Terrors scored the final point in the next frame and we were done.

Demoralized, we folded quickly and were swept away in Game 2.

Even without Sweet Touch, The Terrors proved too deadly for us.

Still, I like the heart my team showed in almost taking Game 1. The Terrors are the barometer by which all mortals should measure themselves. We showed ourselves that we can compete and we look forward to a possible third match in the playoffs. If the World Baseball Classic is any indication, the third game is the most important one and we hope to play Japan to the Terror's Korea.

We need to practice more. We need to strategize a little more. We need to make sure not to hit the backwall as often as we do. But I am confident for the final three games. We are playing loose and we are playing hungry.

Lethal Dose of Love and Gladrags somehow contain themselves from pushing Ezra over.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

The Art of Bocce War


1. The art of bocce is of vital importance to The Coffee Flats Terrors and If You Want My Bocce.

2. It is a matter of victory or defeat, a road either to clowns and limos or to ruin. Hence it is a subject of inquiry which can on no account be neglected.

3. The art of bocce war, then, is governed by five constant factors, to be taken into account in one's deliberations, when seeking to determine the conditions obtaining in the field, hopefully the court is not full of puddles upon arriving at Floyd.

4. These are: (1) The Moral Law; (2) Heaven; (3) Earth; (4) The Commander; (5) Method and discipline; (6) Winning in two frames

5,6. The Moral Law causes the people to be in complete accord with their ruler (Turkey Terror and Hot Legs), so that they will follow them regardless of their lives, undismayed by any danger or getting caught in a Balltrap.

7. Heaven signifies night and day, cold and heat, times, seasons, and being wishy washy on when you want a start time.

8. Earth (and the bocce court) comprises distances, great and small (sometimes you bank off the wall, other times you don't); danger and security; open ground and narrow passes; the chances of victory or defeat.

9. The Commander stands for the virtues of wisdom,sincerely, benevolence, courage and strictness. When Hot Legs says come to practice and Down the Gasoline Bocce doesn't come, should he really be allowed full playing time?

10. By method and discipline are to be understood the marshaling of the team in its proper subdivisions, the graduations of rank among the officers (Balltrap, you sure you don't want to be captain?), the maintenance of the playing court by which balls may reach the paulino, and the control of the first toss.

11. These five heads should be familiar to every general: he who knows them will be victorious; he who knows them not will fail.

12. Therefore, in your deliberations, when seeking to determine the military conditions, let them be made the basis of a comparison, in this wise:--

13. (1) Which of the two sovereigns is imbued with the Moral law?
So far, it has been the Terrors.
(2) Which of the two generals has most ability?
Only one dabbles in spreadsheets.
(3) With whom lie the advantages derived from Heaven and Earth?
We all know which team has the most of the Chosen People.
(4) On which side is discipline most rigorously enforced?
Again, the nod goes to the defending champs.
(5) Which army is stronger?
See above.
(6) On which side are officers and players more highly trained?
Um, see four and five.
(7) In which army is there the greater constancy both in reward and punishment?
Balltrap, you want to answer that one?

14. By means of these seven considerations I can forecast victory or defeat.

15. The general that hearkens to my counsel and acts upon it, will conquer: let such a one be retained in command!
Why did Cap'n Terror step down?

The general that hearkens not to my counsel nor acts upon it will suffer defeat:--let such a one be dismissed!
Down with Turkey Terror!

16. While heading the profit of my counsel, avail yourself also of any helpful circumstances over and beyond the ordinary rules. For example, insist that the start time of this week's rematch between your CFT and the If You Want My Bocce be switched to your most convenient time, not once but twice. Nevermind, if it is proven bocce knowledge that playing the second game of a doubleheader (which the Terrors will get to do just as they did the first time they played If You Want My Bocce) is beneficial. Instead, mutter some nonsense about Sweet Touch, world traveler, coming back early that morning and needing his sweet touch rest. This didn't bother them too much when they were rearranging the schedule in the first place. Oh well, they have mastered the art of bocce war, what can If You Want My Bocce do?

17. According as circumstances are favorable, one should modify one's plans, or ask the underdogs to change their schedules whenever you feel like it.

18. All warfare is based on deception.

19. Hence, when able to attack, we must seem unable; when using our forces, we must seem inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must make him believe we are near; when on the precipice of losing, make sure to take pictures of The Balltrap.

20. Hold out baits to entice the enemy. Feign disorder, and crush him. Tape up the number 23 and enter the court to the strains of Public Enemy.

21. If he is secure at all points, be prepared for him. If he is in superior strength, evade him. Pretend it doesn't matter that playing a first game is important, then accuse your opponent of whining.

22. If your opponent is of choleric temper, seek to irritate him. Pretend to be weak, that he may grow arrogant, otherwise known as the Team ODIN strategy against Lethal Dose of Love.

23. If he is taking his ease, give him no rest. If his forces are united, separate them, If Dixie Toot is your secret weapon, let her shine.

24. Attack him where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected, whether it is at 1 pm or 2:45.

25. These military devices, leading to victory, must not be divulged beforehand.

26. Now the general who wins a battle makes many calculations in his temple ere the battle is fought. The general who loses a battle makes but few calculations beforehand. Thus do many calculations lead to victory, and few calculations to defeat:
how much more no calculation at all! It is by attention to this point that I can foresee who is likely to win or lose.

Go If You Want My Bocce!

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Mondale says...

"Hey America, It's Mondale here.
I want to ask you a question?

Since when did America become some kind of fluffed out wishy washy intellectual liberal hell hole?

I ask because I'm confused.

It seems that the liberal flip floppers , The Coffee Flats terrors keep moving the time of their showdown on Saturday.

Jeepers creepers, My wife was so upset she spilt my afternoon whiskey!

Is it enough that these liberals with their crazy laws are poisoning our kids and destroying our food? Now they want to destroy the very thing that makes us Americans, our time!

I say this, Coffee flats, you french sounding wierdos, If you say 2.45 you should mean 2.45. Iwo Jima was won on time, just in case you forgot.

Just telling it like it is folks."

Monday, March 20, 2006

If You Want My Bocce Evens Its Record

The Look of Champions, Or At Least a .500 Team
Dixie Toot made her official debut on Saturday and looked and played damn fine. She even convinced The Balltrap that it was okay to be photographed while rolling.

We easily dispatched Team ODIN 7-2 in the first match. There were no fights like they had with the Terrors last week although The Balltrap was itching for one. This captain is not a huge stickler for the rules and once again I am glad to state that anyone else on the team can take my position anytime they want.

Anyway, we were so damn great that we took a 6-0 lead in the second match. Then Lethal Dose of Love Alex got a little too cocky and started blowing things. ODIN decided to change their luck and mid-game, they changed their team name! Terrors and Balltrap, is that within the rules? I'll bet it isn't.

Regardless, the finely dressed young ladies and gents came roaring back to tie the match at 6-6! I was already planning who was going to be in for the third game. However, The Balltrap and Dixie Toot came through in the clutch and all was saved.

Even without the stalwarts, Reason to Believe, Glad-Rags, and I Wish I Was Home Tonite, we came out victorious. Downtrain Train rolled well. Dixie Toot shined. The Balltrap dazzled with his precision rolling. Yours truly, Hot Legs, stunk up the joint and depending on how practices go this week might find himself on the bench this coming Saturday. Gettin' Hungry has had better days rolling but will definitely come back strong ready to kick some bocce ass. Down the Gasoline Glen astounded with some key rolls with his "I act like I don't care during practice before the match and then bam roll me some nice shots during the match" kind of style.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Now available on the interweb!

Look, Floyd fixed our team page. Sorta. I have no idea what's going on in the bottom right corner.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Spring training.

Next week is spring break. I appreciate that this means little to those outside of the teaching profession.
I just want to put a shout out for anyone interested in some extra training during the week running up to the match against the terrors. I'll be about, in Brooklyn, if anyone is interested we can set something up, after 'work' or during the day.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Night Bocce!

Night Bocce 2
Originally uploaded by [ CK ].
This might be off topic in that it's not about IYWMB and our exploits, but check out this cool concept: Night bocce! The balls are light-up.

I think this would help me in regard to the colorblindness thing. —Adam

Pix From Doubleheader Up

Yo. Word to all Rollas and Rolla-hatas out there. This is "Slice" aka "Gettin' Hungry." Pix from Saturday's doubleheader are up on Flickr. Go here: Bocce Doubleheader.

Ol' Cappy also asked if I would add a Flickr badge to the blog that displayed the latest IYWMB pix. It's there now.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Match report: March 4th Double header.

Game one: Cobra Kai.

I awoke from headcold induced slumber at 2pm. Beth offered me a seductive choice, I could either lie a bed all day sweating and probably get a foul night's sleep or I could muster some temporary strength and go play Bocce.
By 2.30 I was at Floyd's being berated for lack of T shirt and my general sniffly demeanor. What can you do? Cap'n Dan was all boisterous and pumped us up with heart shaped candy! Fumbling about in the dark I saw Mitch, Jim, Adam, Mike and Mr Nelson.
All wearing their marvellous green T shirts, pumped up on candy.
I was whacked out on an instant Dayquil hit and initally offered Dan that I would sit out.
All I really recall was that we could have beaten this lot. They had a really good girl and a guy with Rock hair who would tug at his pant leg just prior to bowling. Mr Nelson spotted that. A couple of Coffee Flats boys turned up to watch us, a nice touch.
Modesty should prevent me from mentioning my 'Champagne Moment'. It was a great shot and I grinned alot afterwards. It was dark and I was seriously drugged up, I can't recall anything else.

We lost 2-0 after a couple of fairly close games. The left over time allowed us to throw a few more practise balls as the Joanie loves Bocce crew began to drift into the darkened bar.

Game two: Joanie Loves Bocce

At about this point I had a conversation with Jim. I can't quite recall the detail but it ended with me going to the bar thinking, "Ah fuck it, a beer or two isn't going to kill me". I think Jim may have been expounding the virtues of afternoon drinking on an empty stomach, a heavy cold and a system full of flu medication. But I'm not sure.

After this point it got even hazier.

There was a girl from Joanie Loves Bocce (we beat them 2-0) wearing a "Scotland's for Me" T shirt. I had had a conversation with Dan about rivalries the previous Wednesday. I had told him that if he ever wore a Scottish t shirt it would annoy me. Lo and Behold, opposition girl in a Scottish t shirt! I managed to hold back but i do recall asking for the tape measure when it wasn't really required. That's what Scotland does to me.

By the way, 3 Brooklyn Lagers, Dayquil and an absence of food, not a good recipe for health, but sort of fun.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Hot Legs Calls A Team Practice

Will everyone show? The e-mails tell the story.

Dixie Toot: i am bowing out. sorry guys. i can't tell you the reason why because dan will mock me.

Lethal Dose of Love: Can I mock you instead?

Dixie Toot: You're not support to mock teammates.

Gettin' Hungry: Rollin', rollin', rollin' on the river.

I know, it's only bocce roll but I like it, like it.

Roll on, highway, roll on along. Roll on, Daddy, till you get back home.
Roll on, family, roll on crew. Roll on Momma, like I asked you to do.
And roll on, eighteen-wheeler, roll on.

So if you’re tired of the same old story, turn some pages. I’ll be here when you are ready to roll with the changes.

Roll, roll me away,
I’m gonna roll me away tonight
Gotta keep rollin, gotta keep ridin’,
Keep searchin’ till I find what’s right
And as the sunset faded
I spoke to the faintest first starlight
And I said next time
Next time
We’ll get it right

TIME TO rock and roll AND like it, yes indeed. TIME TO roll on the river.


Hot Legs: hey dixie toot, teammates show up to matches!
you are our fashion designer!

Dixie Toot: Is that all i am to you?
fine, i'm staying home to watch the DUKE basketball game.
that's right!

One Part Handbags to Two-and-a-Half Parts Gladrags: What? Is there a new print coming out on tinyshowcase.com?

Dixie Toot: Nelson, you are Team Listmaker / Youthlarge enemy #1!

And so it goes, in If You Want My Bocce land.