Waiting, Beating, Losing, and Gouging

We sat around all day. The two teams we were supposed to play were too afraid of the Rod terror that awaited them.

We watched Argus almost pull out a miracle over Lism as they like to be called.

We watched the Terrors destroy Cobra Kai. So much for world domination.

We were loose, we were limber, we were ready to beat the Terrors for the first time.

We did, taking them down in two frames.

Then it was time for the defending champs. It could have been a matchup of the last two champs but instead it was Rod Time.

Unfortunately, we were out quicker than the radio edit of "Infatuation." We weren't a match for the dominating play of the champs. We were smoked.

We drowned our sorrows in team name awards and pizza.



Rod Playoff MVP Jim holds the team trophy proudly. He came up with the team name so he is the lucky one who gets to display the hardware in his apartment. Congratuations Jim!


Balgavy continues the sulk even after four slices of delicious pizza.

Slice's take.
Slice's flickr from which I stole three of these photos.
The Park Slope Gastronome

Still no word from the Terrors yet.

Last season, we went 5-7. This one, we went 5-3 and made it to the finals. We finally got the Terrors monkey off of our backs. Now, we know what task awaits. Boccelism. They have taken us out in each of the last two playoffs. We can beat them even if it takes 23 team conferences per frame. We had the crowd on our side against them but we were so bad that we couldn't get them fully behind us to make a difference. Next season, the championship will be ours. At the very least, some good pizza can be ours.

UPDATE
Youthlarge's take on the day's events.

Rod Loves Social Networking Sites

IYWMB has a profile up on MySpace. Check it out.

Split Decision

The lesson of tonight was a tried and true one: you win some, you lose some. IYWMB took down Jonny Cakes in three games, dominating the last one 7-0. But I think it took a lot out of us. Against Boccelism in the second match of our doubleheader, we played hard but they just had too much ammunition. It was a fun night, and we all played decently well. Adam was the MVP, with some crazy accurate shots and unwavering confidence. We tried some different combinations of players, kept things relaxed and loose, and didn't take ourselves too seriously (unlike certain opponents who take a half hour conference to figure out each shot).

We finished out the season 4-2, having lost only to the two finalists from last season's tournament. That's a solid improvement over last season's record. We should have a decent seeding in the tournament. Whatever happens there, we did ourselves proud in the regular season. And we still have the best team name and best t-shirts, regardless of whether some other lame-os win "best team name" this time again.

If You Want My Dinkins

Earlier tonight, or I suppose last night, technically speaking, If You Want My Bocce took on last season's "Best Team Name" winner, Mayor Ed Boch. I would like to point out that not one of them asked me "hey, how ya doin'?", to which I would have responded "I'm doin' fine", like the good New Yorker that I am. Humph. Anyway, we beat them 7-2, 7-5. I would go into more detail, but it was fairly uneventful.

Despite the absence of our fearless leader and his lovely wife, we all rolled pretty well. To be honest, I wasn't too pleased with my own performance, but I thought we did really well as a team. Sarah, who is an even rookier rookie than I am, was phenomenal. She came up big for us a bunch of times (photographic evidence of this coming soon).

So next week we're off and then we have a doubleheader on August 7th, where we will face off against Jonny Cakes and last season's champions, Boccelism. Unfortunately, I'll be on vacation, so I won't be there to see Captain Boccelism feel the full weight of all that is Rod. I'll be rocking the green up in Maine though.

A Doubleheader Sweep

First of all, I can't quite believe the fine play of Team Argus myself. They took out the defending champions last night before they played us. That made me a little nervous. Team Captain seemingly went to Bocce Summer Camp over the past few months according to Dixie Toot.

But a quick 7-0 drubbing in two quick frames set my mind at ease.

The second game was a classic. They took a 5-1 lead but we slowly came back one point at a time. All the while, the team we were playing next was stewing at the lateness of the hour. In fact, one of the guys who I believe used to be on Chewbocce and had a bit of a run-in with Glad Rags last season during a match saddled up to us before the first Argus match to criticize how long the first match of the evening was taking. A chance to make a new friend or a classic case of passive aggresive strategy?

Anyhow, we lost the second game 7-6.

The third game was all Rod though. Again, we won 7-0.

Match 2 saw us pitted us against The DOT Bocce Club. Word has it that the captain of the defending champions not only does not like the team name but is quite pleased with himself that he, in fact, does not work for the Dept. of Transportation.

Anyway, we spanked them 7-0 in the first game.

In the second game, we took a quick 6-0 lead. Glad Rags had a chance to win the game but couldn't quite pull it off. I only mention this because if he had, his point total of the night would have been a sparkling 28-0. When we won 7-2, it ended up being a still impressive 28-2. Beth (we need a nickname from you honey) ended the evening at 21-2 in matches she rolled.

We were a loose bunch. A very loose bunch. And it showed. We all did well. We also added another Rod, Sarah, who also needs a nickname.

I'll be leaving you fine fine players until the playoffs to travel the world and scour every nook and cranny for a bocce edge to bring back and share.

There's rumbling from Rod Traitor, Lethal Dose of Love, that he's been biding his time until I'm gone and then he's going to show his pretty face at Floyd. I guess, by that measure, he'll make himself scarce again come playoff time when I return?

Anyway, keep up the good work. You are a class act and have sent me off to Asia in great style. I look forward to reading about all the victories in this space while I'm gone.

Not a Bad Start

If You Want My Bocce went head to head with the 2nd place finishers in the Spring Playoffs - Old Dirty Barristers.

We brought in a rookie - Beth - too new to even have a Rod nickname.

We quickly fell behind 6-0 in game one before roaring back to take a 7-6 victory! Actually, they kind of gave us a bunch of points but still ...

The second game saw us meekly fall 7-3.

The third game was good - at first. We took a 5-3 lead before succumbing to a 7-5 defeat.

We have held our own in our last two matches - against the top two teams in the playoffs. Not bad.

We just don't quite have the killer instinct yet. But once we get it, watch the fuck out.

An Indie Rock Lodge

Is how Dixie Toot described the new Union Hall in Park Slope. Holy mackerel, this place is incredible. A swanky basement, a classy bathroom, an outdoor seating spot, plenty of New Pornographers on the jukebox, and two bocce courts! It was nice to enjoy it last night before the inevitable crowds descend.

In preparation for tonight's first If You Want My Bocce match, Dixie Toot and I went 4-0 last night. We also took out an Italian cocky asshole and his pal 7-0. Italy may have won the World Cup, but last night, all of the glory went to the U.S. in my little corner of the world.

Rod Doesn't Have Time For Traitors

I received this e-mail recently from Lethal Dose of Love:

"Sir,

It is with regret that i have to announce my secondment from IYWMB for the summer season. This is in the English tradition of cricketers playing the winter months in the southern hemisphere and the summer months up north.

I have been asked to establish a rival team. I will poach no players from IYWMB (apart from Beth) and will continue to play a part in what remains of our spring season. I will harbor no ill feelings towards IYWMB (How could I?).

I hope that you will be amused by our efforts during the summer months and that we may even meet upon the Bocce Court at some time in the future.

Yours in Rod,
Lethal Dose of Love"

We wish him well and can only hope that Beth comes to her senses and decides to stay with us.

If You Want My Bocce's Swan Song (Spring '06)

Week 2 of the Playoffs

We felt ready and relaxed. We knew we could beat the number three seed and had a feeling that they had no idea what they were getting themselves into. Word on the court this week was that they were talking about us like we were an easy mark on their road to further dominance.

We saw our opponent (Boccelism) and they exuded overconfidence from the get-go. Not only did we think that we could win, we were very excited to see that their best player wasn't even there.

We took a quick 4-0 lead and our opponent (the number three seed) seemed scared.

Then the controversy!

With a number of balls already in play, Gladrags rolled. His ball just barely hit another ball before hitting the back wall. But a team member of The Notorious BRF (Notorious might not be so victorious today, but we'll see) snatched Dave's ball from the action mistakenly. What to do? The team captain of Boccelism decided to let Gladrags roll again because things were looking good for his team. How was he to know that Gladrags, given another chance, would roll a sublime roll?

At the end of the set, Team Captain Boccelism thought that maybe we should just redo the whole thing since our ball was closer and it didn't quite work out as well as he had hoped. I agreed at first but then wasn't sure. Another member of Boccelism insisted that it was our point and that we should just move on. If there had been a problem from the beginning of the mistake, we should have just restarted the frame from that point.

This discussion went on for at least five minutes.

Finally, it was decided that the point was ours and it was 5-0, us.

Then it was 5-1 and then 5-2.

I felt the tide turning.

Sure enough, Boccelism put up a fourspot on us on the way to a 7-5 victory. Yikes.

I was implored by members of the Coffee Flats Terrors to buy my team a round of shots but I was still convinced that we were going to win. We had blown a 5-0 lead in the first game of last week's eventual victory so why not again?

In Game 2, Reason to Believe and The Balltrap took a commanding 3-0 lead for us. Then Gettin' Hungry and I completely blew their socks off with a fourspot. Our team had rolled a total of 8 balls in Game 2 and we had a 7-0 victory!

You could really sense the fear in Boccelism at that point.

I decided to keep the same teams from Game 2. Reason to Believe and The Balltrap took a quick 2-0 lead and it seemed like we were on our way to a huge upset (not as huge as if The Terrors had ended up losing to ODIN) but still it would have been the number 18 seed taking down the number three seed. Oh glorious victory!

But then the tide turned. We had some bad rolls. Boccelism showed us why they were 7-1 in the regular season and we succumbed to the onslaught. The final score of the third game was 7-3.

It was a tough loss but at least we had put ourselves in a postion to win and just couldn't close the deal.

But we will be back and we will be better. There will be some changes in the structure of the team - more on that later. We will make sure to not let our mistakes be so fatal to us. All we have to do is remember - let's not hit the back wall!!!

Gladrags and I headed to Grimaldi's to bring back some pizza to console us all and to watch the Terrors march on to today's final day of play.

The Balltrap and I made up, yet once again, from our unkind words during play. We both said we would be more laidback and relaxed. We're getting there. I wonder if there are any psychologists that specialize in bocce group therapy?

In the meantime, it was fun.

We could have done better but I'll take the 5-7 record and be happy in the knowledge that we go into next season stronger then we entered this one. We will be a more seasoned squad and ready to conquer.

If You Want My Bocce vs. Team RIPE

If You Want My Bocce vs. Team RIPE
Originally uploaded by Slice.

This is how it ended. But it wasn't pretty getting there.

First, we got some beer in us, except for Alex, who was drinking Cokes, which the bartender dropped marischino cherries in (She must have been sweet on him):


Another pregame drinkin' shot. We did a lot of this, since the first game of the day was running pretty late. When it was our turn to play, the bartender tried to get us to hurry. But this is bocce. It is serious. It runs by its own clock. Believe that.


The Balltrap, pregame:


Listmaker is thinking: "Will this game EVER start?"


Muscling in on Rod Stewart, Alex Chilton would likely say: "When My Baby's Beside Me ... "


Oh. Here are pictures from the actual game. As "The Balltrap" noted in the postgame wrap-up, Team RIPE really liked to measure things:


Here's "The Balltrap" rolling:


Here's "The Balltrap" measuring. This time it was needed:


That's all the OK pix I have from the match. The rest suck. Plus, I noticed that I did better when I wasn't taking pictures. The minute I started worrying about capturing the moment, I wasn't living IN the moment. I think I'll bring my camera but lay off pix unless I'm sitting out for a match.

Lethal Dose of Reality

We just aren't that good right now. After losing two games of a doubleheader, If You Want My Bocce limp into the playoffs with a 4-6 record.

In the 1st match, we made a spirited comeback against Cobra Kai and took the second game. Alas we succumbed in Game 3. In the 2nd match, we were simply overmatched from beginning to end by Joanie Loves Bocce.

As the worst player of the day, I failed my team. As captain, I have failed my team. Shit, the only thing I won't take the blame for is the shitty weather.

From the beginning of the season, I said that I wanted to get my team of rookies ready for the playoffs. Have I done that? If we had gone into the playoffs at 5-5, I'd be feeling good. Instead at 4-6, we have many question marks.

We can play well but haven't. On a day that we looked really bad, we still were somewhat competitive. Stalwarts The Balltrap and Reason To Believe had a strong reunion today. That is something to build on. Dixie Toot looked fantastic in practice last night before getting sick today. Gettin' Hungry proved that he was solid in the clutch. Lethal Dose of Love had some great shots when they were most needed. Gladrags rolled some fantastic shots, one of which saved the game for us at one point. Damn, everybody had some positive moments today except for yours truly.

I promise that the sun will indeed come out again, if not tomorrow, soon. We have two weeks to rest up and get ready for the playoffs. We need to relax. We have gotten so much into the competive aspect of this that I feel like it is messing with our heads, at least mine. It is time to take a page from Team ODIN. No, I don't mean that we should completely change our wardrobes.


But I do think we need to get looser, have a good time, and if we win, great. If we lose, at least we had fun.

Signing out for now,
Hot Legs

Are We Going To Stand For This?

Cobra Kai talks some shit.

Fortunate Sons

It was a sausage party on the bocce court Saturday, as we had five males representing IYWMB for the match against Chew Bocce: Hot Legs, Gladrags, Reason to Believe, Down the Gasoline Bocce, and me, The Balltrap.

We pulled out a victory in three games, but the last one was as lucky as lucky gets. We were down 6 to 5 and our opponents had three balls left to throw, with a wide open space surrounding the pallino. I thought it was over for sure. But no, they failed on each attempt to get closer, and at the last second I realized that we had not one but two green balls closer than any reds: we had won!

Considering we lost handily to Chew Bocce the first time we played them, this was an encouraging victory. None of us played super well, but we had our moments and they managed to be enough to bring our record up to 4-4. All that's left is a doubleheader against Cobra Kai (who vanquished the Coffee Flats Terrors on Saturday) and Joanie Loves Bocce, on April 22. And then, of course, the tournament!

I would say we should all practice before then, but given that no matter how much I practice, I still manage to make some astoundingly shitty shots every time I play, I'm not sure if practicing has that much value. But we should at least have some kind of team bonding activity. I do want my fellow team members' bocce, and yes, I do think they're sexy.

[Posted by Balltrap]

The Green and the Red

This Saturday was the big rematch between us and the Manchester United/Duke/NY Yankees/Dallas Cowboys/LA Lakers/Yomiuri Giants of bocce - The Coffee Flats Terrors.

Now openly referring to themselves as a juggernaut, we knew this was a serious test for us. I've said since the beginning of the season that I was trying to gear our team up for the playoffs. We weren't even remotely competitive in our first foray into the big time. How would we fare the second time?

I knew my team had not been playing loose so I needed them to relax. I played the role of court jester, all little boy jittery and bad jokester. With 9 members on our squad on this day, I decided not to play until a possible 3rd game. I even covered up my team t-shirt that I usually wear with such pride. I planned on blowing the Terrors away when I took off my sweatshirt to reveal the team colors if I were needed.

Game 1 was tight. We took a 3-0 lead that quickly was narrowed to 3-2. Still, we felt good and Reason to Believe was looking dominant for the first time in awhile. We need him to recover his Jordan-like ways and things were looking good.

Unfortunately, things fell apart. We had a terrible frame and gave four points to the Terrors. With the score 6-3, it seemed like we had no chance. But wait a minute! Strong play from Reason to Believe, Downtrain Train, Dixie Toot, and The Balltrap brought us to a 6-6 tie!

With two balls left, we had the chance to put the first game away and make the Terrors sweat a little bit. Instead, the pressure was too much and we couldn't get the job done. The Terrors scored the final point in the next frame and we were done.

Demoralized, we folded quickly and were swept away in Game 2.

Even without Sweet Touch, The Terrors proved too deadly for us.


Still, I like the heart my team showed in almost taking Game 1. The Terrors are the barometer by which all mortals should measure themselves. We showed ourselves that we can compete and we look forward to a possible third match in the playoffs. If the World Baseball Classic is any indication, the third game is the most important one and we hope to play Japan to the Terror's Korea.

We need to practice more. We need to strategize a little more. We need to make sure not to hit the backwall as often as we do. But I am confident for the final three games. We are playing loose and we are playing hungry.


Lethal Dose of Love and Gladrags somehow contain themselves from pushing Ezra over.

The Art of Bocce War

I. LAYING PLANS

1. The art of bocce is of vital importance to The Coffee Flats Terrors and If You Want My Bocce.

2. It is a matter of victory or defeat, a road either to clowns and limos or to ruin. Hence it is a subject of inquiry which can on no account be neglected.

3. The art of bocce war, then, is governed by five constant factors, to be taken into account in one's deliberations, when seeking to determine the conditions obtaining in the field, hopefully the court is not full of puddles upon arriving at Floyd.

4. These are: (1) The Moral Law; (2) Heaven; (3) Earth; (4) The Commander; (5) Method and discipline; (6) Winning in two frames

5,6. The Moral Law causes the people to be in complete accord with their ruler (Turkey Terror and Hot Legs), so that they will follow them regardless of their lives, undismayed by any danger or getting caught in a Balltrap.

7. Heaven signifies night and day, cold and heat, times, seasons, and being wishy washy on when you want a start time.

8. Earth (and the bocce court) comprises distances, great and small (sometimes you bank off the wall, other times you don't); danger and security; open ground and narrow passes; the chances of victory or defeat.

9. The Commander stands for the virtues of wisdom,sincerely, benevolence, courage and strictness. When Hot Legs says come to practice and Down the Gasoline Bocce doesn't come, should he really be allowed full playing time?

10. By method and discipline are to be understood the marshaling of the team in its proper subdivisions, the graduations of rank among the officers (Balltrap, you sure you don't want to be captain?), the maintenance of the playing court by which balls may reach the paulino, and the control of the first toss.

11. These five heads should be familiar to every general: he who knows them will be victorious; he who knows them not will fail.

12. Therefore, in your deliberations, when seeking to determine the military conditions, let them be made the basis of a comparison, in this wise:--

13. (1) Which of the two sovereigns is imbued with the Moral law?
So far, it has been the Terrors.
(2) Which of the two generals has most ability?
Only one dabbles in spreadsheets.
(3) With whom lie the advantages derived from Heaven and Earth?
We all know which team has the most of the Chosen People.
(4) On which side is discipline most rigorously enforced?
Again, the nod goes to the defending champs.
(5) Which army is stronger?
See above.
(6) On which side are officers and players more highly trained?
Um, see four and five.
(7) In which army is there the greater constancy both in reward and punishment?
Balltrap, you want to answer that one?

14. By means of these seven considerations I can forecast victory or defeat.

15. The general that hearkens to my counsel and acts upon it, will conquer: let such a one be retained in command!
Why did Cap'n Terror step down?

The general that hearkens not to my counsel nor acts upon it will suffer defeat:--let such a one be dismissed!
Down with Turkey Terror!

16. While heading the profit of my counsel, avail yourself also of any helpful circumstances over and beyond the ordinary rules. For example, insist that the start time of this week's rematch between your CFT and the If You Want My Bocce be switched to your most convenient time, not once but twice. Nevermind, if it is proven bocce knowledge that playing the second game of a doubleheader (which the Terrors will get to do just as they did the first time they played If You Want My Bocce) is beneficial. Instead, mutter some nonsense about Sweet Touch, world traveler, coming back early that morning and needing his sweet touch rest. This didn't bother them too much when they were rearranging the schedule in the first place. Oh well, they have mastered the art of bocce war, what can If You Want My Bocce do?

17. According as circumstances are favorable, one should modify one's plans, or ask the underdogs to change their schedules whenever you feel like it.

18. All warfare is based on deception.
Yup.

19. Hence, when able to attack, we must seem unable; when using our forces, we must seem inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must make him believe we are near; when on the precipice of losing, make sure to take pictures of The Balltrap.

20. Hold out baits to entice the enemy. Feign disorder, and crush him. Tape up the number 23 and enter the court to the strains of Public Enemy.

21. If he is secure at all points, be prepared for him. If he is in superior strength, evade him. Pretend it doesn't matter that playing a first game is important, then accuse your opponent of whining.

22. If your opponent is of choleric temper, seek to irritate him. Pretend to be weak, that he may grow arrogant, otherwise known as the Team ODIN strategy against Lethal Dose of Love.

23. If he is taking his ease, give him no rest. If his forces are united, separate them, If Dixie Toot is your secret weapon, let her shine.

24. Attack him where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected, whether it is at 1 pm or 2:45.

25. These military devices, leading to victory, must not be divulged beforehand.
Oops.

26. Now the general who wins a battle makes many calculations in his temple ere the battle is fought. The general who loses a battle makes but few calculations beforehand. Thus do many calculations lead to victory, and few calculations to defeat:
how much more no calculation at all! It is by attention to this point that I can foresee who is likely to win or lose.

Go If You Want My Bocce!

Mondale says...

"Hey America, It's Mondale here.
I want to ask you a question?

Since when did America become some kind of fluffed out wishy washy intellectual liberal hell hole?

I ask because I'm confused.

It seems that the liberal flip floppers , The Coffee Flats terrors keep moving the time of their showdown on Saturday.

Jeepers creepers, My wife was so upset she spilt my afternoon whiskey!

Is it enough that these liberals with their crazy laws are poisoning our kids and destroying our food? Now they want to destroy the very thing that makes us Americans, our time!

I say this, Coffee flats, you french sounding wierdos, If you say 2.45 you should mean 2.45. Iwo Jima was won on time, just in case you forgot.

Just telling it like it is folks."

If You Want My Bocce Evens Its Record

The Look of Champions, Or At Least a .500 Team
Dixie Toot made her official debut on Saturday and looked and played damn fine. She even convinced The Balltrap that it was okay to be photographed while rolling.

We easily dispatched Team ODIN 7-2 in the first match. There were no fights like they had with the Terrors last week although The Balltrap was itching for one. This captain is not a huge stickler for the rules and once again I am glad to state that anyone else on the team can take my position anytime they want.

Anyway, we were so damn great that we took a 6-0 lead in the second match. Then Lethal Dose of Love Alex got a little too cocky and started blowing things. ODIN decided to change their luck and mid-game, they changed their team name! Terrors and Balltrap, is that within the rules? I'll bet it isn't.

Regardless, the finely dressed young ladies and gents came roaring back to tie the match at 6-6! I was already planning who was going to be in for the third game. However, The Balltrap and Dixie Toot came through in the clutch and all was saved.

Even without the stalwarts, Reason to Believe, Glad-Rags, and I Wish I Was Home Tonite, we came out victorious. Downtrain Train rolled well. Dixie Toot shined. The Balltrap dazzled with his precision rolling. Yours truly, Hot Legs, stunk up the joint and depending on how practices go this week might find himself on the bench this coming Saturday. Gettin' Hungry has had better days rolling but will definitely come back strong ready to kick some bocce ass. Down the Gasoline Glen astounded with some key rolls with his "I act like I don't care during practice before the match and then bam roll me some nice shots during the match" kind of style.

Now available on the interweb!

Look, Floyd fixed our team page. Sorta. I have no idea what's going on in the bottom right corner.

Spring training.

Next week is spring break. I appreciate that this means little to those outside of the teaching profession.
I just want to put a shout out for anyone interested in some extra training during the week running up to the match against the terrors. I'll be about, in Brooklyn, if anyone is interested we can set something up, after 'work' or during the day.

Night Bocce!

Night Bocce 2
Originally uploaded by [ CK ].

This might be off topic in that it's not about IYWMB and our exploits, but check out this cool concept: Night bocce! The balls are light-up.

I think this would help me in regard to the colorblindness thing. —Adam